A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a
- Second Amendment to the
We the People, having determined that the self-appointed leaders of this great nation have gone straight asshole on us, hereby invoke our right to establish (and well-regulate) an armed Militia to ensure our Security and Freedom, and to protect ourselves from a tyrannical government. Furthermore, we the People, having ingested a metric assload of military-grade amphetamines, and having listened to Metallica’s Kill ’Em All on repeat for 44 consecutive hours, do hereby proclaim:
1) After removing the current Administration from office and, uh, neutralizing the presumptive presidential nominees, the new Militia-appointed executive branch and Cabinet will be as follows: Secretary Of State Tomas Lindberg, Secretary of Defense (and Remixes) J.K. Broadrick, Vice President Fenriz and President Jesse “The Body”
2) Just for shits and giggles, Tipper Gore will be forced to slow dance with Chris Barnes to “Stripped, Raped and Strangled” at Jesse The Body’s inaugural ball.
4) Upon returning home from
5) Fuck Francis Scott Key. “The Star Spangled Banner” is antiquated, boring, and only serves to glorify the former Administration’s permanent war economy. Plus, we always leave off the last two verses. The new national anthem will be either “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister or something off of
6) No more gun-control laws. Well, almost none: Government officials will be forbidden to own firearms. Any official found in possession of one will be waterboarded on the White House lawn and then pilloried in front of the
7) The function of the Internal Revenue Service will be reversed, thus rendering it an actual Service. Instead of collecting taxes and auditing citizens, the IRS will now audit the ways in which the Administration is spending (and has spent) our tax dollars, providing an itemized receipt to each and every citizen. The new Co-Commissioners of Internal Revenue will be Wesley Snipes and Trey Azagthoth. This will also make for an awesome reality TV show.
8) Halliburton and ExxonMobil will be required to pay health care costs for all
9) As many an astute scholar has pointed out, the American flag is really just a visual representation of the bars that keep us imprisoned (stained red with our own blood) and the cell window through which we gaze hopefully at a bright blue sky (filled with stars and the promise of freedom) in the upper left-hand corner. Which is exactly why we’re gonna replace that fucker with the
10) The White House will be painted black. Make that Extra Black©. This one should be self-explanatory.
This bullshit originally appeared in Decibel magazine, but we forget which issue. Suffice it to say, George W. Bush was still in office at the time.