It is an established scientific fact that most successful rock bands are products of the Illuminati. There is literally tons of evidence to back this up. In fact you’d probably need an entire fleet of big rigs to haul all the top-secret documents out of the Illuminati’s secret tunnel system beneath Stonehenge. The Beatles? The Stones? Led Zeppelin? Assembled by the Tavistock Institute of London, a.k.a. the vanguard of the New World Order. Everybody knows this. I mean literally everyone. Mick and Keef talked about it in an outtake from Cocksucker Blues, which is the real reason that movie will never come out. But I know what you’re thinking: What about Def Leppard? Holy shit, are you kidding me? Ever see the cover of Pyromania? They predicted 9/11, dude! In 1983! I read an article on the Internet once that said the album cover was “eerily prophetic,” and I don’t know about you, but I’m inclined to agree.
Mutt Lange, who is like the grand wizard of the Illuminati—not to mention a shape-shifting reptile—produced all of Def Lep’s big albums. It’s no coincidence that he also produced AC/DC, Foreigner and Billy Ocean, because all those dudes are pawns of the Illuminati as well. Go ahead and tell me that mega-popular hit singles like “Who Made Who,” “Urgent” and “Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into My Car” aren’t bald-faced references to the Illuminati’s centuries-old agenda of mind control and global enslavement. You can’t. And don’t even get me started on Lange’s ex-wife, Shania Twain, who was like the top Illuminati sex slave after JFK had Marilyn Monroe put to sleep and before Skull & Bones synthesized Megan Fox and Alexandria Daddario in one of those Weird Science test tubes for creating super-hot women in the secret boiler room at Yale in 1986. As if you needed any more proof, Lange was played by Anthony Michael Hall in that TV movie, Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story. And we all know about Anthony Michael Hall, don’t we? That youth program he runs, the Anthony Michael Hall Literacy Program? Clearly a front for something sinister. And dude, I just realized: Anthony Michael Hall also starred in Weird Science! Which came out the year before Megan Fox and Alexandria Daddario were born! I’m not a lawyer or a rocket surgeon or whatever, but I’m pretty sure that’s what they call unassailable proof.
Of course the main question is: Are the Jews involved? I tried getting Cliff Burnstein on the horn to find out, but he wouldn’t take my calls. He and his partner Peter Mensch used to manage Def Lep—and Mensch used to manage AC/DC back in the day. So upon further reflection, I’d have to say yes, the Jews are all over this thing like white on rice. Plus, Joe Elliot is Jewish—I don’t care what anyone says. If Mel Gibson hadn’t recently filed a restraining order against me, I’m sure he’d have something insightful and definitive to say on the subject. He’s famous for his clear thinking, historical accuracy and racial sensitivity. But trust me on this one: If you trace this whole thing back far enough, you’ll end up figuring out how the Rothchilds rigged the Battle of Waterloo. (I’ll give you a hint: Carefully.)
So… where was I? Oh, right: the Illuminati control all your favorite bands. Well, at least the ones that have significant cultural influence and/or make money. That’s obvious to anyone with two eyes, two ears and a lifetime subscription to Nexus magazine. But did you know that the aliens are also involved? That’s a big one right there that I almost forgot about. See, the aliens come down and abduct people and probe their orifices with specially designed alien dildos—everybody knows this. But the common misconception here is that the aliens are taking samples for evil human-cloning experiments and stuff so they can breed a race of slaves to construct hi-tech pyramids on the dark side of Mars, the side that has all the water and arable land. But no, dude. The probes are more like super-syringes: They implant special powers into the abductee. Ever wonder how Jimi Hendrix and Randy Rhoads got to be such monster fucking shredders? Or how Ronnie James Dio could sing like that? Aliens, dude. And the fact that all those guys are “dead” now? Give me a break, dude. It’s SO fucking obvious what’s going on here: The aliens came down and took them back because their special powers became too fucking awesome for this planet. That is a proven FACT that anyone on the Paranoia message board will be happy to explain to you at length. The same thing happened with Freddie Mercury, John Bonham, Cliff Burton and Dimebag. All of whom, by the way, started a totally AMAZING band together in an alternate spatial dimension. I forget what they’re called, but with a lineup like that how could it not be completely fucking bananas?
This bullshit originally appeared in the March 2014 issue of Decibel magazine.