tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47978822545151097642024-02-19T23:58:43.185-08:00Cry Now, Cry Latertext: J. Bennett // illustrations: Bruno Guerreirobennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-57464300809330388842015-11-17T18:26:00.000-08:002015-11-17T18:27:09.388-08:00NOTHING BUT THE FACTS<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFCqgz2po-44Ve9ju_L9gzlrnwppWbffa4lKgAZpL6K5olyV2tmysqmMq9jj1X5gNwnw2lTiVIpync18C15xkLT0bOD7buY_OlyZK9ZBy63Jnma9lozLItCxEh548PmXSpXkl4qZKyx70/s1600/crynow_113.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFCqgz2po-44Ve9ju_L9gzlrnwppWbffa4lKgAZpL6K5olyV2tmysqmMq9jj1X5gNwnw2lTiVIpync18C15xkLT0bOD7buY_OlyZK9ZBy63Jnma9lozLItCxEh548PmXSpXkl4qZKyx70/s400/crynow_113.jpg" width="385" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It is an established scientific fact that most successful
rock bands are products of the Illuminati. There is literally tons of evidence
to back this up. In fact you’d probably need an entire fleet of big rigs to
haul all the top-secret documents out of the Illuminati’s secret tunnel system beneath
Stonehenge. The Beatles? The Stones? Led Zeppelin? Assembled by the Tavistock
Institute of London, a.k.a. the vanguard of the New World Order. Everybody
knows this. I mean literally everyone. Mick and Keef talked about it in an
outtake from <i>Cocksucker Blues</i>, which
is the real reason that movie will never come out. But I know what you’re thinking: What about Def
Leppard? Holy shit, are you kidding me? Ever see the cover of <i>Pyromania</i>? They predicted 9/11, dude! In 1983! I read an article on the Internet
once that said the album cover was “eerily prophetic,” and I don’t know about
you, but I’m inclined to agree. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Mutt Lange, who is like the grand wizard of the Illuminati—not
to mention a shape-shifting reptile—produced all of Def Lep’s big albums. It’s
no coincidence that he also produced AC/DC, Foreigner and Billy Ocean, because
all those dudes are pawns of the Illuminati as well. Go ahead and tell me that
mega-popular hit singles like “Who Made Who,” “Urgent” and “Get Out Of My
Dreams, Get Into My Car” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">aren’t</i>
bald-faced references to the Illuminati’s centuries-old agenda of mind control
and global enslavement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t. And
don’t even get me started on Lange’s ex-wife, Shania Twain, who was like the
top Illuminati sex slave after JFK had Marilyn Monroe put to sleep and before
Skull & Bones synthesized Megan Fox and Alexandria Daddario in one of those
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Weird Science</i> test tubes for creating
super-hot women in the secret boiler room at Yale in 1986. As if you needed any
more proof, Lange was played by Anthony Michael Hall in that TV movie, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story.</i> And we
all know about Anthony Michael Hall, don’t we? That youth program he runs, the
Anthony Michael Hall Literacy Program? Clearly a front for something sinister.
And dude, I just realized: Anthony Michael Hall also starred in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Weird Science</i>!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which came out the year before Megan Fox and
Alexandria Daddario were born! I’m not a lawyer or a rocket surgeon or
whatever, but I’m pretty sure that’s what they call unassailable proof. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Of course the main question is: Are the Jews involved?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried getting Cliff Burnstein on the horn to
find out, but he wouldn’t take my calls. He and his partner Peter Mensch used
to manage Def Lep—and Mensch used to manage AC/DC back in the day. So upon
further reflection, I’d have to say yes, the Jews are all over this thing like
white on rice. Plus, Joe Elliot is Jewish—I don’t care what anyone says. If Mel
Gibson hadn’t recently filed a restraining order against me, I’m sure he’d have
something insightful and definitive to say on the subject. He’s famous for his
clear thinking, historical accuracy and racial sensitivity. But trust me on
this one: If you trace this whole thing back far enough, you’ll end up figuring
out how the Rothchilds rigged the Battle of Waterloo. (I’ll give you a hint: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Carefully</i>.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">So… where was I? Oh, right: the Illuminati control all your
favorite bands. Well, at least the ones that have significant cultural influence
and/or make money. That’s obvious to anyone with two eyes, two ears and a
lifetime subscription to <i>Nexus</i>
magazine. But did you know that the aliens are also involved? That’s a big one
right there that I almost forgot about. See, the aliens come down and abduct
people and probe their orifices with specially designed alien dildos—everybody
knows this. But the common misconception here is that the aliens are taking
samples for evil human-cloning experiments and stuff so they can breed a race
of slaves to construct hi-tech pyramids on the dark side of Mars, the side that
has all the water and arable land. But
no, dude. The probes are more like super-syringes: They implant special powers
into the abductee. Ever wonder how Jimi Hendrix and Randy Rhoads got to be such
monster fucking shredders? Or how Ronnie
James Dio could sing like that? Aliens,
dude. And the fact that all those guys are “dead” now? Give me a break, dude.
It’s SO fucking obvious what’s going on here: The aliens came down and took
them back because their special powers became too fucking awesome for this
planet. That is a proven FACT that anyone on the Paranoia message board will be
happy to explain to you at length. The same thing happened with Freddie
Mercury, John Bonham, Cliff Burton and Dimebag. All of whom, by the way,
started a totally AMAZING band together in an alternate spatial dimension. I forget what they’re called, but with a
lineup like that how could it not be completely fucking bananas? </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b style="font-style: italic;">This bullshit originally appeared in the March 2014 issue of </b><b><a href="http://www.decibelmagazine.com/">Decibel </a></b><b style="font-style: italic;">magazine. </b></span></o:p></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-1109162120924440512015-09-01T11:50:00.001-07:002015-09-01T11:50:11.870-07:00FROM THE AMBASSADOR<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Time is for the
bourgeois, baby. We’ve got the moment. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">—Ed Sanders, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Family, </i>1971</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Sir, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The news here in the capital has been disturbing of late. I
refer of course to the enclosed newspaper clipping entitled, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Police Arrest Woman With Cocaine Breast
Implants.”</b> Let me be the first and hopefully last to assure you that,
contrary to various reports laid thick with malice and innuendo, this woman and
her narcotically-enhanced bosom were <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i>
en route to this embassy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Believe me
when I say that I understand the implications and extreme sensitivity of the
situation, given what happened here three years ago with a certain junior ex-consul
who shall not be named. We are doing our best to keep a tight leash on the
press regarding the specific details. It is unclear what this woman may or may
not be telling local law enforcement, but you should know that I have deployed
field agents to make sure whatever she says will be (a) as little as possible
and (b) easily discredited. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As for the second clipping, “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Man Jailed For Causing Terror With Dildo</b>.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The man in question is, sadly—but to
absolutely no one’s surprise—a US citizen. His court-appointed attorney has
already made contact with the consulate. We are doing what can be done. Which,
as you can imagine in a case like this, is very little indeed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps a few days or weeks in a cell staffed
by the jackbooted thugs currently in the employ of the police apparatus here will
prompt our friend to reconsider the perils of dildo terror. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Which brings me to our next item, sir: Apparently the heavy
metal band <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">GWAR</b> is planning a
concert here next month. As you may or may not know, this musical troupe
originates from Richmond, VA, and costumes themselves as degenerate sex monsters
from outer space. Their leader, one Mr. David Brockie, a.k.a. “Oderus Urungus”
has been known to wield a two-foot phallus that fires neon-green semen into the
audience. I don’t need to tell you how this might be received in the capital,
sir. The band is also notorious for staging mock executions of celebrities and
elected officials. And though I realize we use the term “elected officials”
tenuously in reference to our local policy makers, this fact in no way
mitigates how a mock execution might be interpreted by the “elected officials”
in question. Any input or suggestions you might have vis-à-vis this scenario
would be most welcome, lest we avoid a most unpleasant international incident. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Of course I would be amiss if I did not give an update on
the most pressing issue here in the capital as far as this consulate is
concerned. I refer to the attached clipping, “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Nazi-Acquired Buddha Statue Came From Space.” </b>As the article notes,
the statue in question is known as “Iron Man” to researchers and was carved
from “a rare class of space rocks known as ataxite meteorites.” The Iron Man is
9.5 inches tall, weighs roughly 23 pounds and is nearly a thousand years old.
It is the “only known illustration of a human figure to be carved into a
meteorite.” In other words, sir, it is priceless. Our field agents are
currently assembling a plan to make sure it does not fall into the hands of our
enemies, if you get my meaning. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Last but not least, I will refer you to the fourth and final
clipping, entitled “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Stripper Turned
Minister Claims Rapist Demons Make You Gay</b>.” I’ve included this one purely
for your amusement, sir. She’s obviously adopted a stage name for professional
purposes, but the woman in question was a former candidate for the US Senate.
Unfortunately, there’s no photograph included in the article, but I trust you
can guess who I am referring to. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Good day, sir.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">T. Cullen Blackstone<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary of the United
States to [Redacted] </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the February 2014 issue of </i><a href="http://www.decibelmagazine.com/">Decibel </a></b><i><b>magazine.</b> </i></span>
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<br />bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-86358084013086534892015-03-03T18:11:00.000-08:002015-03-03T18:11:56.308-08:00This Time, It's Personal
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1xt9rU4GySTGh_SNQztosy4j30rFWcrcBC5cGNOk9ch7RjgO7xTmbNDoNMMpzjA05JPYiEPjQw9BHrdgBcZerv1Jr38GtgZ2zpBkx5UYgtbBkL35DD65aoKZxRNYYXReSs8rr8396Xjc/s1600/crynow_111.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1xt9rU4GySTGh_SNQztosy4j30rFWcrcBC5cGNOk9ch7RjgO7xTmbNDoNMMpzjA05JPYiEPjQw9BHrdgBcZerv1Jr38GtgZ2zpBkx5UYgtbBkL35DD65aoKZxRNYYXReSs8rr8396Xjc/s1600/crynow_111.jpg" height="400" width="335" /></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><u>A Selection Of Classifieds From Around The Metal Universe</u></span></b></div>
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<b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Remember that one
time at the AC/DC concert?</b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Boston
Garden, ’83. </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Flick Of The Switch </i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">tour
You: Gorgeous mullet, cigs rolled up in sleeve of your </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Flick Of The Switch</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> tour shirt. Me: Petit blonde w/ teased bangs, TIGHT
stonewashed jeans w/ holes in both knees, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Flick
Of The Switch </i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">tour shirt w/ sleeves already cut off cuz I hid scissors in
my purse! It’s been 30 years, but I think about you every day.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">If you still live in the New England area,
let’s get together & talk about old times. And maybe do some other stuff. I’m
a masseuse now, if you know what I mean. Call Trish at 617.555.HOTT</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Dude, how much for
that <i>Tools Of The Trade</i> longsleeve? </b>You
were rocking that thing hard outside the Carcass show at Reggie’s last month.
It had like five or six holes in it, including that big one just under the
collar, but I’ve never even SEEN that shirt in a longsleeve before. Not sure if
it’s a bootleg or what, but get at me if you’re interested in selling,
dude. I’ll pay top dollar. Email Ryan at
<a href="mailto:iheartjeffwalker@yahoo.com">iheartjeffwalker@yahoo.com</a>. (I
also play guitar.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Record store romance?
</b> Saw you at Vacation Vinyl in L.A.
last week arguing with the clerk while I was perusing the “Unholy Metal”
section. Thought it was cute the way you told the resident longhair (in the
pink Oxford!) that picture discs are the truest Cannibal Corpse listening
experience. I was too shy to talk to you, but would love to meet up next time. I
usually stop by on Tuesdays to check out the new releases. Recognize me by my
red Docs and <i>Tomb Of The Mutilated</i>
back patch! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>You call your metal
black. </b>Saw your band at Rendezvous last Thursday. You’re a killer drummer,
but the rest of those dummies are a bunch of corny little girls trying to get
up on some man action. And their corpsepaint style is whack. If you wanna ditch
those homos and join a REAL black metal band, hit me up: Randy from Goat
Puncher. We’re strictly TRVE KVLT. Also, if you and/or your mom have a garage or
basement we could practice in, that would be tits. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Desperately seeking <b>John
Christ’s 1983 B.C. Rich Bitch </b>or one just like it. Will trade a pair of ’88
Air Jordans (used) or a pit bull. Cleveland area only. Call Chris: 216.555.5555<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Attention MAIDEN FANS</b>:
Wiltshire-area man fancies special lady for fun and possible relationship. Must
be slim, attractive, age 25-40. Thrilled
to discuss your love of first two Maiden albums & <i>Maiden Japan. </i>Get in touch with Paul for drinks &
extracurricular. Fans of Blaze or Other Guy -eras need not apply. EFF BRUCE
BRUCE. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>Desperately Seeking
Studly</b>: We totally hooked up in the parking lot after the UDO show in Miami
Beach last month. Never got your digits and kicking myself for it now! Me:
Handlebar mustache, 28-inch biceps, slightly tipsy, singing “Princess Of The
Night” to no one in particular. You:
Handlebar mustache, Scorpions tee, huge armadillo in your trousers if you catch
my meaning. I’m always at the Cockpit on Friday nights—swing by and I’ll buy
you a drink! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>WANTED: </b>Live goat
for use in ritual to persuade almighty lord Lucifer to help get my ride back
from those smug butt-holes at Henderson Auto, who repo’d my baby after I was
like three days late on like four payments, maybe five. And also to strike them
down or smite them or whatever is most convenient for his Satanic Majesty, whom
I realize has a busy schedule. Will not harm goat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the January 2014 issue of </i><a href="http://www.decibelmagazine.com/">Decibel Magazine</a>. </b></span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-44821459778148388572014-10-10T12:17:00.000-07:002014-10-10T12:18:22.898-07:00Satan Ruined My Life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7t9nueX2eTRJv7bS-aa6Ef5xX5PJMddNiqismLWmb8cHTDHw9H-x6fZXf_pxTmUUR3_nOHlNn7QpvpTsXfPZ-konV_Gc9Mp_cjdGabNU4DVuW1oCG7zVXkEqebV7pg2o97i96NFGefHw/s1600/crynow_110.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7t9nueX2eTRJv7bS-aa6Ef5xX5PJMddNiqismLWmb8cHTDHw9H-x6fZXf_pxTmUUR3_nOHlNn7QpvpTsXfPZ-konV_Gc9Mp_cjdGabNU4DVuW1oCG7zVXkEqebV7pg2o97i96NFGefHw/s1600/crynow_110.jpg" height="400" width="357" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I’ve made a huge fucking mistake. Randy and Bobby hatched
this big plan to burn down St. Mary’s in the name of GOATPUNCHER and Satan and
all that is unholy but it went horribly, horribly wrong. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It all started by the lockers between Social Studies and
Phys Ed. Randy said it was high time we took GOATPUNCHER to the next level and
showed those creeps in Corpse Hammer who’s boss around here. GOATPUNCHER is
fucking boss, he says. Which we all pretty much knew deep down in our heart of
hearts. Even though Bobby was questionable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When he and Randy had that fight about the infamous missing Darkthrone
longsleeve, Bobby split for like two whole weeks and started hanging out with
the Corpse Hammer dudes and the rumor was that he even tried out for the band at
one point. Which was never confirmed, by the way. Definitely not by Bobby, who
acts like the whole thing never happened. So like I said, questionable. But
Randy was pretty clever with this whole scheme of his because not only was it
an opportunity to make the name GOATPUNCHER legend and show those Corpse Hammer
homos who’s boss—US, obviously—but it would also kinda make Bobby prove his
dedication to the cause or whatever. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The plan was basically this: Suit up in full corpsepaint and
spikes and burn down St. Mary’s Church on Halloween night. But we had to make sure
we didn’t kill anyone, so it had to go down late night, when all the nuns were
back in the convent finger-banging each other to high heaven. We’d done enough
to the nuns at this point, anyway—they pretty much all hated us. And that was
just for being mouthy little shits in class. They didn’t even know that we were
the ones who stole their industrial-strength bras off the convent clothesline
so we could hang them from our mic stands for that epic gig at the VFW last
year. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We mapped the whole thing out meticulously. Randy even built
a model of the church and the entire grounds—the refectory, the parking lot,
everything. We had the timing down and everything. The beauty of it was that we
could do the job without ever going inside the church if need be. And on the
off-chance that the doors were actually unlocked, we could build a pile of
Christian newsletters and Stryper albums on the altar and just torch the
fucking place from the inside out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So October 28<sup>th</sup> rolls around and things are
looking up. It’s a full moon, so I figure we need a symbolic gesture to set the
tone for the big night. An effigy for good luck or whatever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mom’s out of town so I haul Randy’s church model
into the kitchen, belt out a quick prayer to the almighty Lucifer<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, </i>and set the fucking thing on fire. Of
course that’s right when Mom calls to check in on me. Invoke Satan and Mom
calls—story of my life, right? Anyway, I can’t get a decent signal in the house
so I go outside to talk and she starts asking me about did I clean my room, did
I do the dishes, did I mow the fucking lawn like she asked?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This goes on for like 15 minutes. And I
totally forget about the fire, dude. By the time I get off the phone, half the
kitchen is in flames. I dragged the hose inside and managed to douse it before
the whole house went up, but the kitchen is seriously charred to shit now. I’m
talking like a scorched-earth scenario. Plus, it’s kinda waterlogged. The floor
and counters are pretty much ruined and the whole place smells like shit. Mom
is going to be fucking PISSED. She’s probably gonna send me to Des Moines to
live with Dad, and Des Moines is fucking LAME, dude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">My first instinct was to offer up another prayer to Satan,
but then I got to thinking that’s kinda what got me into this mess to begin
with. So I don’t know, dude. I hate to say it, but maybe the nuns are onto
something with this whole Jesus thing. Is that even possible? Fuck. I’ve gotta
re-think my entire existence now. Thanks a lot, Satan. You prick.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the December 2013 issue of </i><a href="http://www.decibelmagazine.com/">Decibel</a><i> magazine.</i></b></span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-1503486509078494502014-08-07T10:30:00.001-07:002014-08-07T10:30:52.592-07:00Mustache Ride<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilI5U9hXZDZyPlTwu6mfRg5CwunL9yt3QBExHFLiU_0ghb8YCzTiMoLWSFPcSRccd29zyCuLgZxxYPM9E-9YARChLJKpFXfSeg3BGKSTIsppD2kewDyB1H0t4YJNoe8I6WN7uzfzkIl2g/s1600/CryNow_109.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilI5U9hXZDZyPlTwu6mfRg5CwunL9yt3QBExHFLiU_0ghb8YCzTiMoLWSFPcSRccd29zyCuLgZxxYPM9E-9YARChLJKpFXfSeg3BGKSTIsppD2kewDyB1H0t4YJNoe8I6WN7uzfzkIl2g/s1600/CryNow_109.jpg" height="400" width="381" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">From the official
minutes of the 2<sup>nd</sup> annual Broward County Death Metal Convention
& Symposium, held in Plantation, Florida, on August 23-25, 2013<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Friends, fans, enemies…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Laughter</i>] <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With this many people here, you know we’ve got enemies in
the room! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nervous laughter</i>]
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nah, I’m kidding!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Audible sighs of
relief</i>] <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First off, I want to welcome you all to the second annual
Broward County Death Metal Convention & Symposium at the La Quinta Inn and
Suites here in scenic downtown Plantation. Thank you all for being here on the
opening night! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, don’t forget we’ll
have complimentary microwave burritos and Mountain Dew available in the lobby
from 9 to 9:15 tomorrow morning. Then the real festivities kick off at noon with
the air guitar competition, Cannibal Corpse Karaoke, the Karl Sanders look-alike
contest and of course, tomorrow night, the Hoffman Brothers bench-press/squat thrust
tutorial followed by Holy Deception, Broward County’s finest Deicide cover
band! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Polite applause</i>] <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But tonight we’re gathered to talk about an important topic:
Death metal outerwear. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Applause</i>] <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We’ve got a lot of ground to cover in the next four hours,
what with camo pants, camo shorts, denim shorts, high tops, athletic socks—all
the way through band shirts, leather jackets, denim vests, cut-offs and
longsleeves. But first I wanna start things off with what I feel, on a personal
level, are the most important accoutrements on the docket tonight: Sweatpants
and mustaches. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Applause</i>] <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Notice I didn’t say sweatpants OR mustaches… <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Riotous applause</i>]
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Laughs</i>] Right! Because
while you can certainly have one without the other—and here I nod in deference to
our brothers in arms who are unable to grow mustaches; they live in what I like
to call Peach Fuzz Purgatory, hahaha… But of course the mustache/sweatpants
combo is always preferable. Just ask our special guest speakers tonight: Rick
Rozz and Will Rahmer! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Applause</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You know Rick as the prime shredder in Massacre, and of
course as an early member of Death, going back as far as the Mantas days… <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Louder applause</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yeah, yeah—I know. Incredible pedigree on this guy. And you’ve
seen the photos of Rick from back in those days. Classic death metal ’stache—classic
Floridian moose knuckle, too! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Laughter</i>] <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I kid, I kid. Now, as many of you know, Rick has been
clean-shaven in recent years. But I’m here to tell you—spoiler alert!—that he’s
rocking the ’stache again, and he’s gonna debut it here for you guys tonight! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Riotous applause</i>]<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, our second guest speaker, as I mentioned, is Will
Rahmer. You know him from Mortician, of course—Yonkers’ finest!—and for those
of you with a little more, shall we say, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">underground</i>
tastes… yeah, you know what I mean… he’s also the mastermind behind the almighty
Prosthetic Cunt! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Applause</i>] <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now listen, guys—one stipulation with Will, okay? No
questions about the Polish incident. You know, the alleged “stealing a taxi at
knifepoint” scenario or whatever. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Alleged</i>
scenario. That was almost ten years ago at this point and Will doesn’t wanna
talk about it. He’s here to talk mustaches and sweatpants and if you wanna ask
Mortician questions of course that’s cool. I know we’re all curious what the
status of the new album is! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the
Q&A session will be cut short if anyone brings up the Polish thing, so
don’t spoil it for the rest of us, okay? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Murmurs, nods</i>] <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And to be honest with you it came up in the Green Room
earlier, someone mentioned it, I won’t say who, and Will was totally cool about
it. As it turns out, the Polish authorities made way less of an ordeal out of
the whole thing—<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">alleged</i> thing—than
you might think. But Will explained to me that he just doesn’t wanna talk about
it publicly. So, yeah: You guys know the drill from last year, anyway, when we
had Phil from Malevolent Creation up here to talk about Slurpee etiquette and
other convenience-store protocols. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Murmurs, nods</i>] <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Okay, cool, cool. I know I can depend on you guys. So
without any further what-have-you, let me bring out our first guest. Guys, give
a big hand to Mr. Rick Rozz! And guys, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wow</i>,
let’s hear it for that amazing mustache, am I right? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
[<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Riotous applause</i>]
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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<o:p><b><i><br /></i></b></o:p></div>
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<o:p><b><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the November 2013 issue of </i><a href="http://www.decibelmagazine.com/">Decibel</a><i> magazine. </i></b> </o:p></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-63037322062879961142014-05-29T14:26:00.000-07:002014-05-29T14:27:54.183-07:00The Cosmic Significance Of Orange Underwear<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKD64zU-0Bh9v8QcXni10PLu3OmX7sPOGmHHGZOG2gfCxYMhMlFYC3a7ptWkdx7NuRxUaP-iK_7ftkfm-QuZddzr7XhuNoP3yVrOjbyYdoBQF4J3gIt_eln_-6YrTStOxjGo-udCELUV4/s1600/crynow_108.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKD64zU-0Bh9v8QcXni10PLu3OmX7sPOGmHHGZOG2gfCxYMhMlFYC3a7ptWkdx7NuRxUaP-iK_7ftkfm-QuZddzr7XhuNoP3yVrOjbyYdoBQF4J3gIt_eln_-6YrTStOxjGo-udCELUV4/s1600/crynow_108.jpg" height="640" width="305" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It’s been a strange month. First, the Zimmerman verdict. Oof.
Then the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rolling Stone</i> cover-controversy,
an inane beef trumped up by sanctimonious crazies and hypocritical corporations
across the country. Then milk shoots out of several million British tits as the
royal baby emerges from the semi-royal vajayjay. Meanwhile, our man Dennis Fucking
Farina sails off into the Great Beyond, a mere two days after I watch him rape
and torture a bunch of teenage girls with incandescent thespian Billy Zane in the
1989 TV-movie tour-de-force, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Hillside
Stranglers.</i> (Dick Crenna, of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rambo</i>
and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Flamingo Kid</i> fame, stars as
the drunken cop who takes them down while banging a potential witness on the
side. Highly recommended.) Of course, our old friend Varg Vikernes was also
hauled out of bed in his orange undies by the French police this month,
arrested for terrorism alongside his pregnant wife. They’re released in less
than 36 hours. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If we consulted the stars, I’m sure we would discover that
these events are inherently linked. Something in Zimmerman’s astrological chart
probably says that it’s okay for him to be on the cover of every newspaper in
the country but it’s fucking unforgivable to put the Chechen bomber kid on the
cover of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rolling Stone</i>. Similarly,
something in Farina’s chart probably dictated that he had to buy out in order
for the royal baby to buy in. It’s like the end of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Big Lebowski</i>: Donnie dies, but Maude and the Dude have a little
Lebowski on the way. Or something like that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So how does our boy Varg fit into the cosmic picture? The terrorism
seems like an obvious link, if you discount the fact that the police seemed
satisfied that Varg and his wife aren’t actually terrorists. Could it be the
racism? The Zimmerman trial was nothing if not racially charged, and Varg is a
notorious bigot. But no—I’m pretty sure that’s not it, either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m almost positive it was the orange undies.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Varg went out of his way to mention them in his three-part
blog post after the arrest. In fact, he dedicated an entire awesome paragraph
to his orange undies: “Sorry to digress, but sometimes when you buy underwear
you get three underpants in one package, and for some reason at least one of
these are always in some horrible colour, and of course I was wearing such a
pair of underpants on Thuesday [sic] morning. A pair of strikingly <em>orange</em>
underpants. Having been repeatedly dragged out into the street or prison
hallways or similar in my underwear before, by the Norwegian police or prison
guards, I thought to myself that this was going to repeat itself and I would be
photographed with my little belly, my thin hair, my tanned arms in great
contrast to my pale body and — wearing horribly orange underpants. (Everybody
would believe that I was actually Dutch…)”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Varg’s undies are paramount to tying the events of this past
month together. And not just because they serve as surrogate for the orange
jumpsuit that Zimmerman was mysteriously <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not
</i>wearing at his bond hearing, unlike just about every other defendant in
recent Floridian bond-hearing history. The primary reason is this: I was
wearing orange undies—and nothing else—when I was watching <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Hillside Stranglers </i>on TV and definitely not eating cookies and
smoking weed two nights before Dennis Farina died. And I was wearing them for
the same reason that Varg was wearing them when he was arrested: There’s always
that one horrible color in the three-pack. You gotta wear ’em sometime. Especially
when something big is about to happen. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the October 2013 issue of </i><a href="http://www.decibelmagazine.com/">Decibel </a><i>magazine. </i></b></span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-90339573918033117292014-04-01T13:22:00.000-07:002014-04-01T13:22:22.450-07:00Back From The Ledge<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguQ6OuHb3symBz7cDW2oAInJO6HOZ4ptG4gYYZtZr-nWowVwEzToJr3e6P5bdrPiZNsXjTrnHJN7TsMltvndtwV27wy8sac7ZgLEqpCTYZrUnP1Q8dOlsFicsO09juDwdKLa4ad7FrqNc/s3200/crynow_107.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguQ6OuHb3symBz7cDW2oAInJO6HOZ4ptG4gYYZtZr-nWowVwEzToJr3e6P5bdrPiZNsXjTrnHJN7TsMltvndtwV27wy8sac7ZgLEqpCTYZrUnP1Q8dOlsFicsO09juDwdKLa4ad7FrqNc/s3200/crynow_107.jpg" height="400" width="367" /></a></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It was 1985, for fuck’s sake. If Ronnie James Dio could
build a two-story hydraulic dragon with laser eyes for his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sacred Heart </i>tour, the Dominator would build a three-story job that
could spit human skeletons for his perpetually-forthcoming <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Choke On My Bone </i>tour. If Ronnie James had two eight-foot medieval knights
in full armor with giant light sabers made in Japan, the Dominator would have
twice as many eight foot fucking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">robots</i>,
with two light sabers apiece, made by Industrial Light & Magic. That little
Guinea fruitcake could sing all the Rainbow and Sabbath songs he wanted to. The
Dominator’s stage show would pummel his midget ass back to the goddamn Bronze
Age. All he needed was a band. And some songs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It was only 11am, but the Dominator was getting high on
amphetamines and faded glory. He plotted and connived, scrawling obscene
cartoons on one of the many legal pads his ex-wife had left at their
clandestine fuck pad in Miami Beach. The place was legendary back in the late
’70s. When the wife was out of town, Dom and his entourage would close down the
Cockpit every night and bring the party back to his place. Glenn Hughes—of the
Village People, not Deep Purple—would snort huge rails of coke off his own
mustache and once punched out Dennis Wilson for fucking up the words to “Macho
Man.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rob Halford used to crash out in one
of the many guest bedrooms. Wilson would usually crash on the floor. They would
both be wearing nothing but leather g-strings. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Those were the days. These days were strictly shitsville.
The Dominator stoked his hate with methedrine and revenge fantasies. It had
been a hell of a year so far. The bad news rolled in like a brown waterfall
made out of middle fingers and turds: Sabbath reunited with Ozzy at Live Aid.
Zeppelin reunited at Live Aid with Phil Fucking Collins on drums. Diamond Dave
went solo and Halen replaced him with that clown from Montrose. David Byron,
formerly of Uriah Heep, took the high hard one right in the liver: Death by
drink at age 38.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only bright spot
had been watching Dee Snider and Frank Zappa ram the First Amendment right up
Tipper Gore’s sanctimonious cornhole at the PMRC hearings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Meanwhile, the Dominator’s much-ballyhooed supergroup with
Vinny Appice and Mark Mendoza never materialized. The idea was to come out with
a scorching twin-ax Priest/Lizzy-style attack featuring George Lynch and Fast
Eddie Clarke on maximum screaming-whammy guitar action. But the whole thing
imploded when Dom discovered that George and Ed wanted to kill each other. They’d
both banged the same groupie back in ’82—or at least they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">thought</i> it was the same groupie. Turns out it was actually twin
sisters, and during some future unspecified encounter Ed and George had gotten them
confused accidentally-on-purpose and a huge beef erupted. Even the sisters
weren’t speaking with each other. To top it all off, Dom had
accidentally-on-purpose gotten into a fistfight with some young upstart named Lizzy
Borden in the Rainbow parking lot last week. And lost. But only because he was
completely shit-hammered at the time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">From where Dom stood—on the roof of his former Miami Beach
fuck pad, about four inches from the ledge—it looked like his life was circling
the drain. He had that feeling in the pit of his stomach that he used to get back
in Vilnius when Big Daddy Paskas would whip his belt off and start slowly
wrapping one end around his fist. Dom knew he was about to get the piss knocked
out of him, but there was nothing he could do about it. So he did what any
other fat, washed-up, pansexual, drug-addicted, barely-English-speaking “lead
singer” would do:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He called Domino’s and
ordered six large pizzas with everything on them. Then he fished the Yellow
Pages out from under the sink. It was time to get the old band back together. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the September 2013 issue of <a href="http://www.decibelmagazine.com/">Decibel</a> magazine. </i></b></span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-16138690346930103802014-03-10T15:16:00.000-07:002014-03-10T15:27:56.613-07:00Midnight In The Garden Of Evil & Evil<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijjxCGtNGaA68YKl3aokR_zELy3by_c2NK-WRgF0T19ATJkyAeCIbcsnBONyEOPOiz6dVyIuxboS-xS4HqqUI1GYWILSXOExJsCHo89DjY4cCl8q7HRqrK72RUVliJ1PzKg5HYelKpyV8/s1600/crynow106.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijjxCGtNGaA68YKl3aokR_zELy3by_c2NK-WRgF0T19ATJkyAeCIbcsnBONyEOPOiz6dVyIuxboS-xS4HqqUI1GYWILSXOExJsCHo89DjY4cCl8q7HRqrK72RUVliJ1PzKg5HYelKpyV8/s1600/crynow106.jpg" height="400" width="316" /></a></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Clearly, the forces of evil are aligning against me. Or at
least the forces of extreme inconvenience. They’re compelling me to do all
kinds of things I’d never do in a million years if I didn’t, like, need the
money to pay rent. Like Edgar Allan Poe, I meet doom and paranoia, black birds
and white lightning, in every corner. I’m consumed by the idea that failure and
poverty will team up to crush me like the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff
launching off the top rope, arm in arm, to choke me out/strike me
down/what-have-you with a double Russian sickle to the Adam’s apple. I’m up all
night thinking,<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> What the fuck am I doing
with my life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>Or maybe I’m thinking
about eating the shit out of a pulled pork sandwich because I went to bed
without dinner again and my stomach is squealing like a stuck pig. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It doesn’t matter. What matters is, I can’t
sleep. </span></div>
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</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Who ya gonna call? </span></div>
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</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Papa.</span></div>
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</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">We sit up late into the night, Papa and I, sipping red wine
and contemplating the cosmos. Papa doesn’t say much, but he’s an excellent
listener. He nods politely while I detail my hopes, dreams, and the vast
conspiracy theories that I feel guide the trajectory of human history. Occasionally
he shares a personal anecdote—that one time in the back of the hearse with
Ghuleh, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hooo daddy</i>—or corrects a date
I have misremembered. Yet I am convinced that he listens to two monologues
simultaneously: My own and one that only he can hear. Perhaps it’s the voice of
the serpent that spoke to Eve in the Garden of Eden way back when.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it’s the voice from the burning bush in
Moses’ fabled mountaintop hallucination. Also, Papa might simply be schizophrenic.
The jury is still out. Between the papal robes and the hail-Satan routine, it’s
tough to say. One thing’s for sure: he is a seriously talented motherfucker. </span></div>
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</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Insightful, too: Papa tells me things in the night. He says
Beelzebub is watching all of us, like some cloven-hoofed Santa, minus the
reindeer and, like, beer gut. He knows who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.
Doles out presents accordingly. The wrapping is what you might call
non-traditional, but the gifts are timeless: Syphilis and the power of supreme
oratory. Liver failure and killer riffs. Plagues and laser eyes. Dry heaves and
hundred-dollar bills. </span></div>
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</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">We’ve been on tour for nearly a month now. Ghost and Ides Of
Gemini have come to an understanding. Many understandings, really, but the most
important is this: Papa calls the shots. He is, how you say, the Big Kahuna. El
Jefe, if you will. And even if you won’t. If Papa says we’re having rotisserie
chicken for dinner, we’re each expected to eat an entire bird. Even the
vegetarians. No running to the vomitorium like an anorexic sissy, either. Man
up—even the women, he says—or burn alive for eternity in Lucifer’s fiery, swollen
hellhole. Papa says this hellhole is not unlike the Sarlacc pit from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Return Of The Jedi. </i>Which, he is quick
to point out, was based upon George Lucas’ paralyzing fear of Carrie Fisher’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">vagina dentata</i>. I have no idea if this
shit is true, but one gets the feeling that Papa KNOWS THINGS. It’s unsettling,
to say the least. </span></div>
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</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Obviously, we’re having chicken tonight. Maybe later Papa
will whisper some sweet nothings in my ear so I can get some shuteye. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">This bullshit originally appeared in the August 2013 issue of </span></i><a href="http://www.decibelmagazine.com/"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Decibel</span></a><i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"> magazine.</span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-76572184976561486512014-01-29T16:07:00.000-08:002014-01-29T16:08:49.819-08:00Life Is Taxing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHjs0NefM6DpMb14uko4bACr_kmOnVKrOSlMYkxxC9AMDniaLzxOh0DhH7rAM3GFVmnyffRD9OXh7Zo74OfoM7QIsrnXT7oC_2Xv-G-4UZWYUzEDeYp5DFbMv-Qd4Hy1tsMPc0ztYe5SU/s1600/crynow_105.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHjs0NefM6DpMb14uko4bACr_kmOnVKrOSlMYkxxC9AMDniaLzxOh0DhH7rAM3GFVmnyffRD9OXh7Zo74OfoM7QIsrnXT7oC_2Xv-G-4UZWYUzEDeYp5DFbMv-Qd4Hy1tsMPc0ztYe5SU/s1600/crynow_105.jpg" height="640" width="337" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">May 15, 2013<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 7;"> </span>Internal
Revenue Service <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 7;"> </span>300
N. Los Angeles St<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 7;"> </span>Los
Angeles, CA 90012<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Mr. Bennett, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We are writing to address some problems with your 2012
Federal Tax Return. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">You have listed your occupation as “heavy metal.” This is
not a profession that we are aware of. For the last 15 years, you have listed
your occupation as “journalist.” We realize that people can and do change
professions from time to time, but again—“heavy metal” is not one that the IRS recognizes.
As a side note, it is unclear to us how one transitions from “journalism” to
“heavy metal,” but perhaps this is none of our business. In fact, please forget
we brought it up. We fear that even mentioning this will prompt you to write
another long and convoluted series of letters to this office. That is the last
thing we want. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Once again, you have listed “Albert Mudrian” as a dependent
on your tax return. As we have been pointing out since 2005, Mr. Mudrian is not
a member of your household. Nor is he, as far as we can tell, a relative. In
fact, it appears that Mr. Mudrian works for a company—Red Flag Media—that
employs you on a 1099 basis. We understand that you may feel that Mr. Mudrian
relies upon you in a professional capacity, but that does not qualify him as a
dependent on your Federal Tax Return. We realize, of course, that your home
state of California may have different rules about this. But we represent the
Federal Government, Mr. Bennett. We have been over this before. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We have also noticed some items listed under miscellaneous
expenses that will require further documentation. They are as follows:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“The
bar” / $1,037.00<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“The
titty bar” / “$744 + tips so maybe more like 1.5K”<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“Phone
calls to Fenriz” / “$51.32 - make Albert pay.” <o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“iTunes
ripped me off” “$9.89 / [expletive deleted]”<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“The
Internet” / $609.00<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“Amoeba”
/ $3,076.45<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“F—king
Slayer” / $66.66<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“Burgers
or whatever” / $312.55<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“AT&T
are a bunch of c—ts, I hate them” / $876.13<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“Still
owe Scott Carlson 20 bucks for that Witchgrave LP” // $20.00<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“Russell
Brand rear-ended me + emotional distress / $50,000<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“Ammo”
// $155.00<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ol>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As per the many volumes of previous correspondence you have
sent us, we realize that you do not recognize the Internal Revenue Services as
a legitimate government entity. However, your beliefs have no bearing on your
responsibility, as a U.S. citizen, to pay your Federal income taxes and provide
us with a detailed description of the expenses you wish to declare. You have 30
days from the date of this letter to provide us with the necessary and correct
information before penalties will be incurred. Please do not send us any
additional correspondence regarding this matter. Also, we will remind you that
mailing pornography to government offices is a federal crime. You may not have
included a return address, but we are positive that you sent us those back
issues of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Honcho.</i> We recognized your
handwriting on the expletive-laced note. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We implore you, Mr. Bennett: Please do not make this process
any more difficult than it has to be. Frankly, we find corresponding with you
to be exhausting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Frank Parnell<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Internal Revenue Service<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Los Angeles Office</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the July 2013 issue of </i><a href="http://www.decibelmagazine.com/">Decibel</a></b><i><b> magazine.</b> </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-42125406384729258182013-12-04T17:54:00.000-08:002013-12-04T17:56:15.361-08:00UNITED<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5fww0vaYGBp4AOmOiWLtMNBfGmiwcm6WpjVc1fjde0N5KslKtOUchdaVKjEs3SffM2EqrNjX1TOHmdLzSjhSUP1RSnZt1fWalYTHKNhI9NBGG0_rn2b2Sc5MZmWLEQFIMmewpyiy8Clg/s1600/Crynow_104.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5fww0vaYGBp4AOmOiWLtMNBfGmiwcm6WpjVc1fjde0N5KslKtOUchdaVKjEs3SffM2EqrNjX1TOHmdLzSjhSUP1RSnZt1fWalYTHKNhI9NBGG0_rn2b2Sc5MZmWLEQFIMmewpyiy8Clg/s400/Crynow_104.jpg" width="358" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I think you’ve had it
backwards all this time. You wanted to enter history. Wrong approach, </i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Leon</i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">. What you really want is out. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">—Don DeLillo, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Libra</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Where does all the time go?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It seems like just yesterday I was out on the patio sipping a Bloody and
noshing on designer tacos with my business manager, Juan Perez. After hashing
out our plans for the next six months—Algiers, Minsk, Ho Chi Minh City—we were
discussing the finer points of Pierre Boulle and all those damn dirty apes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The sun was shining, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Stained
Class</i> was on the turntable, and the kitty cats were dry-humping in the
dirt. We were even talking about going on a tandem juice fast, just for the
fuck of it. Life was good. Real good. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">And now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My business
manager is in Men’s Central for public urination while jaywalking, and I’m
hitchhiking through East Dogdick, Nevada,
with all my belongings stuffed into a triple-XL Cannibal Corpse longsleeve tied
to a hockey stick. I’ve got a screaming headache, three loose teeth and some
kind of skin thing happening on the inside of my left elbow. I don’t know, a
rash or something. But way grosser, like I’ve got a bad feeling insects might
be living under my skin, making babies and defecating and so forth. Also, I’m on
drugs. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">But I remember my business manager’s arrest vividly. We were
crossing Grand Avenue—against
the light, but well within the confines of the crosswalk—when he decided to
blow a piss in the middle of the street. I’m talking this is downtown Los
Angeles. In broad daylight. After like 300 beers. And
of course a cop car pulls around the corner mid-deluge and blocks traffic like
this is the crime of the century and the entire neighborhood should be shut
down immediately and we better call in a helicopter in case this dude runs for
it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Okay, buddy. I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but
put your hands behind your back.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Can I put it away first?” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Negative.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Seriously?” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">They hauled him away with his pecker hanging out of his
zipper like a sad, drunken turkey neck. This was Friday afternoon, which means
a mandatory weekend in the can. Just think of all the fun he’s having now. Staring
at the ceiling. Taking a dump in front of 20 of his closest friends. Avoiding
eye contact. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Do you mind if I smoke
while you fuck me? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Do you mind if I snore
while you fuck me? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">How did I end up in Nevada?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took a bus. After my business manager’s arrest
I was so distraught that I went home to take a nap. And, okay, feed the cats.
When I woke up, I decided that the best way to show solidarity with my
incarcerated confidante was to live life to the fullest and do a few of his
favorite things. So I went out and got a mani-pedi. I bought a pair of white
jeans, the most expensive ones I could find. I ate three cheeseburgers at three
different overpriced “gastropubs.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
went to the titty bar and spent about 200 bucks in just over an hour. On the
way home, I stopped at Mickey D’s for a 20-piece nugget and spent the rest of
the night reading conspiracy-theory books and jacking off. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It’s how he would have wanted it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><b>This bullshit originally appeared in the June 2013 issue of</b></i><a href="http://www.decibelmagazine.com/"><b> Decibel</b></a><i><b> magazine. </b></i></span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-8594085030130875112013-10-14T17:52:00.000-07:002013-10-14T17:56:50.276-07:00Welcome To Metal Zone (We Have Some Questions For You) <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD4yqYHknlL00j-KE86nMWyxysjv3KeKVV5yCIsO60-Jv8NK1-FdMe9rI8dwHplT96hc2qm1ht19dDiXhwy9F6i7WC0hol5FdzzGrKsN3ERmshutsF5I3PYw-B0a6GMAhNb0DCPXpy5K4/s1600/crynow_103.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD4yqYHknlL00j-KE86nMWyxysjv3KeKVV5yCIsO60-Jv8NK1-FdMe9rI8dwHplT96hc2qm1ht19dDiXhwy9F6i7WC0hol5FdzzGrKsN3ERmshutsF5I3PYw-B0a6GMAhNb0DCPXpy5K4/s400/crynow_103.jpg" width="330" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Metal Zone Entrance
Examination, form 1(a)</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Name/Address/DOB/Occupation/Passport Number: </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Countries visited prior to arrival in METAL ZONE (besides Germany):
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Have you visited any farms or been in contact with any livestock
prior to arrival in METAL ZONE? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">If yes, were the animals cloven-hoofed? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Have you ever been accused of being a poser?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If so, stop now and proceed directly to form
63(a). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Have you ever confused doom with funeral doom? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Have you ever confused death/doom with blackened doom?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Have you ever confused black/death with blackened death?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Do you think that the previous question was a trick
question? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Essay Question # 1</b>:
Udo Dirkschneider makes me feel __________</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Essay Question # 2</b>:
My favorite Angel Witch song is _____________ because ____________</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Do you claim to be able to discern the logos of obscure
black metal bands, even when you can’t? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Do you secretly love Ross The Boss-era Manowar but make fun
of the band anyway? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Essay Question # 3</b>:
The best song on the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">NWOBHM ’79 Revisited</i>
compilation is _________ because ______________</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">How many Exciter albums do you own on vinyl?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">On cassette?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Are those albums/cassettes on Megaforce or Banzai? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please give a detailed breakdown.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Essay Question # 4</b>:
You are at a festival in Europe. You have enough money
to buy an original Venom shirt from 1981 if you can talk the guy down, which
you think you probably can, or approximately six beers. What do you do—and why?
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you need more space to complete your
answer, use the blank pages attached to this form. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">What is the song that got you into Satan? </span></div>
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</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">On a scale of 1 to 10, how hard are you posing right now? </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">What about now? </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">If you answered either or both of the previous two
questions, stop now and proceed directly to form 63(a). </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Essay Question # 5</b>:
On a scale of 1 to 10, how psyched are you for Bolt Thrower’s upcoming US
tour? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Answer the question regardless of
whether you live in the US.
If you don’t plan to attend one of the shows, stop now and proceed directly to
form 63(a). </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Does Jeff Hanneman somehow seem cooler to you now that he’s
contracted a flesh-eating disease? </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Do you refuse to acknowledge that Rob Halford likes dudes? </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Should the goat on the cover of Bathory’s self-titled debut
be yellow or white? If you do not understand the question, stop now and proceed
directly to form 63(a). </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Essay Question # 6</b>:
The best Megadeth lineup includes (a) Marty Friedman and Nick Menza, or (b)
Chris Poland and Gar Samuelson. Include a detailed, point-by-point comparison. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Do you own an original copy of Witch Cross’ <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fit For Fight </i>LP? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If not, stop now and proceed directly to form
63(a). </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">If so, did you buy it on eBay? </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Tom Warrior is my (a) hero, (b) favorite metal musician, (c)
dad, in this recurring dream I’ve had since age 14. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">In 1984, the “hottest chick in metal” was (a) Doro, (b) Lee
Aaron, (c) Betsy Bitch, (d) Bruce Dickinson </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Essay Question # 7</b>:
Metal was better in 1984 because ___________.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you disagree with the premise of this question, stop now and proceed
directly to form 63(a). </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Essay Question # 8</b>:
Have you worn out the grooves on your copy of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Lightning To The Nations</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
so, how long ago?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please describe the
circumstances and your subsequent mental state. If not, stop now and proceed
directly to form 63(a). </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Essay Question # 9</b>:
Blackie Lawless vs. Lizzy Borden vs. Dee Snider.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Are you old enough to know someone who bought Meatloaf’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bat Out Of Hell</i> LP when it came out,
based solely on the cover? </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">If so, how disappointed was that person upon hearing it, on
a scale of 1 to 10? </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Was that person you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Which album from 1984 are you listening to right now? </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Are you sure? </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Regardless of your answer to the previous question, stop now
and proceed directly to form 63(a). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the May 2013 issue of </i>Decibel <i>magazine. </i></b> </span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-39901806756290161742013-09-05T17:18:00.000-07:002013-09-05T17:21:09.766-07:00Hot Spikes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnjmlzhcI_1F3jtZj063kFSTS6kxTc-E990eLQgumC9q1bbGCvNW3UrkwWuokP_ZDHOEsJHURWMOnTjznSWOmhXPtP-1dcgVMUBnRYK2hSRJHu3rGxm_fWiTjSY0QHuAmNLhqSEnr2w24/s1600/crynow102.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnjmlzhcI_1F3jtZj063kFSTS6kxTc-E990eLQgumC9q1bbGCvNW3UrkwWuokP_ZDHOEsJHURWMOnTjznSWOmhXPtP-1dcgVMUBnRYK2hSRJHu3rGxm_fWiTjSY0QHuAmNLhqSEnr2w24/s640/crynow102.jpg" width="208" /></a></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Life’s hard, but it’s
a lot harder if you’re fuckin’ stupid.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">—George V. Higgins, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Friends Of Eddie Coyle</i>, 1970</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Toronto</i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, 1981. The bad part of town or whatever. </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The fat man shuffled his feet. He said, “I’m not sure I
understand what you’re saying.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Ron fixed his mustache and rolled his eyes. “What I’m saying
is, you gotta take a long hard look at this thing. The big picture, I mean.
Because I don’t think you’re seeing the angles. I think maybe you need to pull
your head out of your ass.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“You’re leading me, Ron. Spit it out, already.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Look, it’s like this: I’ve been working like a bastard on
this thing. Day and night. Carrying the whole goddamned operation on my back
like it was my own newborn son. But you, you’re not pulling your weight.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“You calling me fat, you fuck?”</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Ron smiled. “You <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are</i>
fucking fat, Eddie. But that’s not my point. My point is, it’s time for you to
buck up.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Eddie watched a pigeon shag a cigarette butt off the curb.
“Okay, okay. Just tell me what you want me to do.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“First thing’s first, Eddie. You gotta lose the Hawaiian
shirt. We’re a fucking heavy metal band and you wear a fucking Hawaiian shirt—and
white fucking khakis—to a photo shoot. Said photo ends up on the back of our
fucking album. Ergo, we look like assholes.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Please. You’re wearing a pleather tunic in that picture. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Over</i> a black t-shirt. John’s wearing canary-yellow
sweatpants with sky-blue bowling shoes. And Jeff… <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fuck.</i> I think Jeff might be a fag.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Look, I already talked to those guys. Now I’m talking to
you.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“So what do you suggest, Ron? Spikes? Leather? Mirrored shades?
You want me to do the cliché thing? You want us to be a fucking cliché? Like
what’s-their-tits? Venom? I know you said those guys were kidding, but I’m not
so sure.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Fuck Venom. They’re a novelty act. You think the world is
gonna remember Venom 30 years from now? No fucking way. They’re gonna remember
Fist, Eddie. And not the New Wave Of British Heavy Metal Fist, either. The
Canadian Fist. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Our </i>Fist.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Amen, brother. Amen. So what’s our next move?” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Our next move is we gotta step up our game. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hot Spikes</i> was good. It was real good,
minus the band photo and all, but now we gotta move on up. Give these humps in
Anvil something to sweat about. And not just them. Most of these greaseballs,
they’re just dying to open for Rush. That’s the big time to them. The end-all,
be-all. That’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">making</i> it. Fuck that,
Eddie. I want Rush to open <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">for us.</i>” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“I’ll be honest, Ron: I like what you’re saying. I like it a
lot.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“I thought you might. So do me a favor, okay?”</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Anything, Ronnie. Name it.”</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Lose the Hawaiian shirt, buddy. Pretty please, with sugar
on top.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Consider it done. But what I’m saying is: If not the
Hawaiian, what the fuck <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">should </i>I
wear?” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“I’ve got this idea, Eddie. I think it’s gonna blow some
minds, too. You know how we talked about calling the next album <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fleet Street</i>? The whole Sweeney Todd
thing?” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“You mean the glam band?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The one with the little kid for a lead singer?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, he went solo and he thinks he’s hot
shit now. Bryan Adams, that’s the little prick’s name. Can’t stand that fucking
kid.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Eddie? You’re working my last nerve here, buddy. Sweeney
Todd, the fucking barber. Slits his customers’ throats with a straight razor
and passes the bodies off to his girlfriend so she can make meat pies.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“For real?”</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“It’s a fucking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">story</i>,
Eddie. Concerning the mysterious origins of ‘dubious pie fillings,’ if you know
what I mean. Circa Victorian times. Which brings me to my point: I think we
should go full Victorian garb for the next set of album pix. My sister’s a
seamstress—I already talked to her about it, and she’s in. We might even be
able to squeeze a decent budget out of the label, do this thing right.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about, Ron. But
if you think it’s the way to go, I’ll back your play a hundred percent.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Trust me on this one, Eddie. We’re gonna be fucking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">huge</i>.” </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the April 2013 issue of </i>Decibel<i> magazine. </i></b> </span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-90269518519746107572013-07-31T16:48:00.001-07:002013-07-31T16:48:16.281-07:00Weekly Standard<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYDAE91O1ad7Zdm28u3EQ0VmfNyg0hwvITZm-7ueaqixQT3kF4QOJQodREJ7bk1WPZpdJB4hBOnnNcWLDSSvBxQ57sbyFom7dmGypsBFVR2pGG2WWBhRA6HqAq6QgGtcoJU-eK_SocS24/s1600/101_crynow_flat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYDAE91O1ad7Zdm28u3EQ0VmfNyg0hwvITZm-7ueaqixQT3kF4QOJQodREJ7bk1WPZpdJB4hBOnnNcWLDSSvBxQ57sbyFom7dmGypsBFVR2pGG2WWBhRA6HqAq6QgGtcoJU-eK_SocS24/s400/101_crynow_flat.jpg" width="290" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It’s Monday evening in Los Angeles,
and I’ve just finished transcribing another interview. I’m patting myself on
the back right now because I managed to do it without killing myself or staring
out the window for three hours to see if those squirrels on the fence outside
the house would actually fight to the death. As far as the interview goes: I’d
name names, but what would be the point? After all: It’s the minor triumphs,
the small victories, that make life worth living. Right? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But trust me on this: It was tedious and I
will be demanding a raise from Albert at the earliest opportunity. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It’s Tuesday afternoon in Los Angeles
and I’m listening to shitty German black metal and watching the cat clean
herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Okay, I’m lying. I’m listening
to Men At Work. I had to turn off the German black metal because it was just
way too shitty. I’d name names, but what would be the point?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s shitty, it’s German, and you’ve heard it
before. Only last time it was Norwegian or maybe Polish. But see, now I’ve
already said too much. Trust me on this one, though: It was shitty. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It’s Wednesday noonish
in Los Angeles, and I’m hung over
as fuck. Alka-Seltzer is the only reason I’m semi-conscious and able to keep at
least one eye open without moaning. Okay, I’m lying. I’m actually moaning as I
type this. I find it helps in a primal-scream-therapy kind of way. Last night
was another installment of Heavy Tuesday with Scott Carlson and Tom Neely on
the decks of death or whatever. Someone at the bar requested Slipknot so I played
“South Of Heaven.” I figure Kerry King is a Slipknot fan, so close eh-fucking-nough,
amiright? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It’s Thursday morning in Los Angeles
and I’m about to get on a plane to Boston,
where I will freeze my tits off within seconds of exiting the airport. While
waiting for my luggage, roughly seven minutes will pass before I hear someone
refer to someone else as a “such a feckin’ cawksuckah, kehd.” The cocksucker in
question may or may not be present when the comment is made, but let’s call it
50/50 odds that the cocksucker is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i>
present and is in fact a member of a professional sports team. The person
speaking will almost definitely be wearing a Sox cap and one of those satin
Celtics jackets. Or at the very least a Pats jersey. Possibly all three. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It’s Friday afternoon in rural Massachusetts
and the snow is brown and yellow and black and I fucking “love it here.” Last
night my shoes filled up with ice water almost as soon as I got off the plane.
There was like a half an inch of slush on the floor at the gate at Logan,
I shit you not. I saw a guy accidentally knock another guy’s precious Dunky’s
out of his hand and then the Dunky’s guy grabbed the first guy and started
pounding him in the face and calling him a homo. They were both wearing Pats
jerseys. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It’s
Saturday morning at the post office and I’m getting yelled at by this townie
skank who thinks I cut her in line. She reeks of booze and she’s wearing gold
lamé stretch pants with a stain on the crotch. When I tell her to relax and go
ahead of me, she threatens to punch me “right in the cawk.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can tell she wants to throw her Dunky’s in
my face, but not so badly that she wants to waste it and/or possibly get
chucked. I move <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my</i> Dunky’s further
away from her so she can’t spill it. When she gets to the clerk, she fishes
nine rolls of pennies out of her purse and says she needs a money order for
four dollars and 63 cents. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It’s
Sunday and I can’t take it anymore. I went into the IHOP out on Soldiers
Field Road to use the pisser, and someone had
taken a huge, sloppy dump on the back of the toilet. You could tell it was
totally on purpose because it takes some serious skill to line up that kind of
shot without getting even one drop in the bowl. I mean, the entire fucking
bathroom was spotless except for this huge dump on the back of the toilet, like
whatever poor sap got stuck with pisser duty didn’t wanna deal with it and just
pretended it wasn’t there. Can’t say I blame the guy, though. I would’ve done
the same fucking thing. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the March 2013 issue of </i><a href="http://www.decibelmagazine.com/">Decibel</a> <i>magazine. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-23791056903696360482013-07-01T13:22:00.000-07:002013-07-01T13:22:03.543-07:00MY NEW LEAF (Turn It With Me)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW3REI7QsPm8p89jGnyaYN5B6eDz9b1YO4nheMOnvorIZfBjZ9fECWTwzOCdPd9oH5_7b6_7fz1VHdtCsR4hzOmkjFylr0uL3Eod2JIQIG4MfO0mW_qNLOtH8JreazGKaFnLH4VTdomI4/s900/CryNow100_0213.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW3REI7QsPm8p89jGnyaYN5B6eDz9b1YO4nheMOnvorIZfBjZ9fECWTwzOCdPd9oH5_7b6_7fz1VHdtCsR4hzOmkjFylr0uL3Eod2JIQIG4MfO0mW_qNLOtH8JreazGKaFnLH4VTdomI4/s640/CryNow100_0213.jpg" width="276" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">93 of these things. Jesus. That means <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cry Now</i> will celebrate its 100<sup>th</sup> installment in issue 107,
unless Albert pulls the plug on me before then. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll have to plan something special for the
occasion, turn it into a real extravaganza. Maybe kick off a nine-part
investigative series on whatever it is that seems to be happening to Dave Mustaine’s
brain. Written in haiku form, with a phonetic Irish accent. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I’m guessing some of you aren’t laughing at that one. Mostly
because it probably seems like something I might actually attempt in this
column. Which is why I’d like to take this opportunity to extend my gratitude
to all of you—and Albert, and Bonzo, and of course my solid-as-a-fucking-rock <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cry Now</i> partner Brunofsky—for sticking
with me through this pseudo-psychotic safari, this ongoing odyssey, this
monthly marathon of occasionally half-baked ideas from a fully-cooked psyche. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I can say with 1000% certainty that I am a completely
different human being today than I was on that day in 2006 when Albert called
me and proceeded to make the biggest mistake of his entire life by asking, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What would you write about if I gave you
your own column?</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it’s safe
to say the poor bastard had no idea what he was in for. And neither did I, for
that matter. Looking back on the past 92 issues, I see some ridiculous things in
this column—shit I barely remember writing, and plenty of shit I probably
should have kept to myself. But I also see occasional flashes of coherence. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">As for the differences between then and now?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve got less hair, fewer teeth, and the ability
to write a cover story without staying up for three days straight on
methamphetamines. In addition to writing about bands, I actually play in one of
my own now. I’m older, obviously, and I like to think wiser. I’ve met an
incredible amount of awesome people through this magazine, made friends with
folks in bands that I admire, and have had many once-in-a-lifetime experiences
that I will take to my grave. I’ve also realized that I’m not invincible, which
is a bigger hurdle to overcome than one might think. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I’ve moved five times, including across the country, during
the course of our first 100 issues—which is even more frequently than it seems when
you consider that I’ve been living in the same house for the last four years.
In fact, one of the only constants in my life since <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Decibel</i> started has been <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Decibel</i>
itself. Albert has sent (and occasionally accompanied/babysat) me around the
world to pursue stories about Scandinavian black metal, the Mexican
underground, and French mega-festivals. Thanks to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Decibel</i>, I’ve shot hoops with Kerry King, shot skeet with Iron
Maiden, and bum-rushed Disneyland with the Melvins. I even
had the pleasure of meeting and interviewing Ronnie James Dio and Peter Steele
before they passed into the great beyond. I’ve also crashed cars on the job,
been threatened physically for things I’ve written in these pages, and been the
subject of legal threats leveled at the publisher. I’ve been so late with
stories that Albert has lost a few hairs of his own. But it was all in the pursuit
of journalistic excellence. Most of it, anyway. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">In honor of these memories and in light of all the
aforementioned ch-ch-ch-CHAIN-ges, I’ve made a decision: The next seven
installments of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cry Now</i> will contain
absolutely none of the phantasmagoric fantasy-headaches that the first 92
specialized in. No more fake letters to the editor, no more fake band
correspondence, no more semiotic cartwheels through time and/or space or whatever.
Definitely no more making fun of people, especially Satan, who is absolutely to
be taken seriously at all times. For the next seven issues, I’m gonna be Wolf-Blitzer
earnest. Grave, somber, businesslike. Stoic, even. A straight shooter. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
</span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I’m not just joshing you. I swear it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><b>This bullshit originally appeared in the February 2013 issue of </b></i><b>Decibel </b><i><b>magazine. </b></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-37882020424752362882013-06-03T16:23:00.000-07:002013-06-03T16:30:09.044-07:00ESCAPE FROM HRADEC KRÁLOVÉ<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqZzEdDcYBx4EmfPDeqn2LsktVRF7OeC0OFAIgAGxH_KUQo2tUZ0cE_Zwvtasq1p7k8GYc8526vXx8aXTI1Te25lqJ4VA-Ef18zgzY3DsZ-_eCsvEubWnxzfOdKuOJo3goR1I4vftQMe8/s1600/_crynow99.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqZzEdDcYBx4EmfPDeqn2LsktVRF7OeC0OFAIgAGxH_KUQo2tUZ0cE_Zwvtasq1p7k8GYc8526vXx8aXTI1Te25lqJ4VA-Ef18zgzY3DsZ-_eCsvEubWnxzfOdKuOJo3goR1I4vftQMe8/s640/_crynow99.jpg" width="299" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Alberto – </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">To quote the famous last words of General Custer, I’ve made
a huge mistake. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Did you know that two Cheyenne
women, upon recognizing Custer’s body on the battlefield at Little Bighorn,
punctured his eardrums with huge sewing needles so his corpse could “hear
better in the afterlife” because he had broken his promise to Chief Stone
Forehead to never fight the Native Americans again? You know this story? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s hitting home with me right now because
I’ve been thinking about it, and you know who 100% guaranteed never heard this
story?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Custer. </i>And there’s a huge lesson there, I’m pretty sure. I just
can’t figure out what it is yet. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I’m writing to you today from the Czech
Republic, that storied and highly
leveraged chunk of Eastern Bloc real estate formerly known as Bohemia,
where the dumplings are hot, the exchange rate is confusing and every other
person is basically Russian. I’m here because I’m trying to escape: Responsibility,
taxes, life in general—sure. But mostly I’m trying to escape the Satanists. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It’s like this, Alberto: I got hammered drunk in a strange
city called <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Hradec Králové and
accidentally sort of converted to Satanism. Actually, I’m not sure if <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">converted</i> is the right word because I
had no religion to speak of before this happened. It’s not like I had to formally
recant the Baltimore Catechism or denounce my Mormon elders or find a rabbi to
reattach my foreskin or anything like that. In fact, I didn’t have to do much
of anything. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I know what you’re
thinking. You’re thinking of the standard shit, am I right? But there were no
hooded robes, no pentagrams, no altars, and—sadly—no naked virgins involved in
this process. I didn’t even have to say anything. No Latin, nothing. They did
cut me, though. But I was drunk and I wasn’t looking and before I knew it the
whole thing was over. The coven master or grand wizard or whatever sliced my
palm with a straight razor. I barely felt it because, like I said, I’d had a
few. But there was a fair amount of blood, and I was numb enough that I could
look at it objectively—without focusing or fixating on the pain, you know? Then
he sliced his own palm and grabbed my hand in his and that was that. I’d made a
blood pact. I was one of them. This was all unspoken, of course. These dudes
barely spoke English. But it turns out the main guy’s name is Josef. I think he
singled me out because of my Bathory t-shirt, but I can’t be sure. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Here’s where it gets
weird. I wake up the next day in a shitty fifth floor walkup in some tenement
building on the outskirts of town. After checking to make sure I hadn’t been
raped (I hadn’t), I find Josef sitting in the kitchen. He’s still drinking, and
clearly hasn’t been to bed. I thank him for his hospitality and tell him, you
know, I’ve gotta split—I’ve got a thing or whatever. Suddenly his English is
fucking perfect, right? He tells me I can’t leave. I’m one of Lucifer’s
children now, and they’ve got a full schedule of doing Lucifer’s bidding today:
Drinking, he says, listening to Venom on repeat, and then maybe we’ll knock
over a liquor store and find some prostitutes who’ll take it in the cake.
Girls, boys, whatever—doesn’t matter when you’re a Satanist—as long as it’s in
the cake. Apparently Satanism is nothing if not an equal-opportunity faith. When
I try to argue, he basically tells me that this is a blood in, blood out kind
of deal. Like the Mexican Mafia or something. But it’s my call, he says. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">So my question is:
Can I get a few extra days on that cover story? </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">xoxo</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">J</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"><b><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the January 2013 issue of <a href="http://www.decibelmagazine.com/">DECIBEL</a> magazine. </i></b> </span></span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-73527035616107297872013-03-26T15:43:00.002-07:002013-03-26T15:44:10.795-07:00The Iommi Job (Part 4)<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRFVtHrwRmeqBXzFU4ViTZIhyecbalMVhp7u8i8ySLK-qvQeiYPldnSeSIdk3lCoqNZlo36GUUObKovjC0LVMwDLu3397XSv28837Z2rrU-pm9zgbMf_qOIBue78Ngv8lqQm_JXK7ZI-Y/s1600/98_theIommiJob_pt4_flat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRFVtHrwRmeqBXzFU4ViTZIhyecbalMVhp7u8i8ySLK-qvQeiYPldnSeSIdk3lCoqNZlo36GUUObKovjC0LVMwDLu3397XSv28837Z2rrU-pm9zgbMf_qOIBue78Ngv8lqQm_JXK7ZI-Y/s400/98_theIommiJob_pt4_flat.jpg" width="355" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The clock was ticking. Curtis Merriweather knew it. The Boys
called. They wanted to know what was happening with their investment. That’s
what they called it—“our investment.” Paulie laid it out for him: Come back in
72 hours with Iommi’s fingertips or don’t come back at all. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Madame Quinault, the psychic palm reader, had sent Curtis to
see a man named Harrington. Harrington worked for ULTRA. Curtis met him at the
Frolic Room. It was one of Bukowski’s old Hollywood booze
trenches. Shoebox-sized. Sinatra on the jukebox. Harrington was drunk and
borderline surly, but eventually it came out that he was disgruntled. Some kind
of ancient beef with the bosses at ULTRA. Curtis bought him a shot: Maker’s to
the face. Curtis pressed him. Curtis cajoled him. Curtis milked him for intel. Curtis
bought him another Maker’s. Sinatra segued into Roy Orbison. Roy
segued into Iggy. Iggy segued into “Killing Yourself To Live.” The song jarred
something loose. Finally, Harrington spat it out. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“You’ll never find them fingertips. They’re in cold storage
out in Van Nuys. A fucking warehouse full of fur fucking coats. But here’s the
kicker: They’re supposedly in the pocket of one of the coats. We’ve had two
dozen guys turning out pockets for days now.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“How many coats?” Curtis asked.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Thousands. I mean fucking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">thousands. </i>Maybe 40, 50K.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Too many to count.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“What’s security like?” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“A pair of armed guards at the gate, at least one on every
entrance, plus who-knows-how-many inside. Cameras fucking everywhere, too.
You’ll never get in, not in a million fucking years. And even if you did, it’d
take you twice that long to find the motherfuckers.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Harrington blinked. Curtis bought him another Maker’s and
left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He went out to the rental and
cranked the AC. He turned it over and over in his head: A warehouse full of
armed goons, 50,000 fur coats and two dozen hired hands fishing through
pockets. How much could these fucking fingertips be worth, anyway?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No. There had to be something else. Either
that or Harrington was full of shit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis walked back into the Frolic Room. Just as Harrington
tipped back another Maker’s, Curtis smashed it into his face. The impact was
audible. Blood spritzed. Curtis grabbed Harrington by the throat. His front teeth
were chipped. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“What the fu<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">aaaahhh</i>!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis reached into Harrington’s jacket pocket and pulled
out two plastic baggies. One was half full of cocaine. The other contained four
shriveled brown chunks. At first Curtis thought they were mushrooms. They were
leather fucking fingertips.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis released Harrington’s neck and dropped him to the
floor. Harrington moaned like a dying animal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Curtis slipped the bartender a C-note and put a finger to his lips.
“Mum’s the word, boss.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis goosed the rental and drove out to Silverlake. He pulled
into a parking lot on Glendale Boulevard.
He called his mother. She went on and on and on about the neighbors and their
shitty dog who kept her up all night with the barking. She didn’t actually use
the word shitty. She complained about Father Tom at Our Lady Of Good Counsel.
He smelled like booze, she said. She was afraid he might be a pederast. Curtis
was sure she’d learned that word from the television. She would never just come
out and say Father Tom was a drunk who liked to fuck little boys in the mouth.
Everyone was up to something. She just knew the mechanic was overcharging her. The
mailman was delivering her social security checks late on purpose. She
suspected. She speculated. She inferred. After 20 minutes, Curtis couldn’t take
it anymore.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Mom. Where’s my Slayer record?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Your what?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Mom.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Mom. Did you sell something of mine?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the record store?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Curtis. You know I sold my records years ago.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Mom. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My </i>records. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My</i> records.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Curtis, I…” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Never mind.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">He hung up. He walked into Rockaway Records and scanned the
wall above the counter. There it was: dead center. Between a copy of the
Beatles Butcher cover and the second Sir Lord Baltimore album. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Reign In Blood, </i>original pressing, mint
condition, 60 bucks. He threw three twenties down on the counter. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">He flew back to Chicago
that night. The Boys shook his hand and gave him a suitcase with 20 grand in
it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the December 2012 issue of </i>Decibel<i> magazine. </i></b></span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-62269964970633383242013-02-18T13:27:00.000-08:002013-02-18T13:28:03.770-08:00The Iommi Job (Part 3)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHLXoNitrRyumWdhV2JFbshHxVqBN3QhAKWec_zvimp_sLBcsbctIGhFPJzVyGcE2oOxjivrSdxMxaX_B6EZy7LLnUq4eS1wrFm60qCsICwKRIqVjCikA6kuFP2nP0zO6mM4jXFSpMxUU/s1600/97_theIommiJob_pt3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHLXoNitrRyumWdhV2JFbshHxVqBN3QhAKWec_zvimp_sLBcsbctIGhFPJzVyGcE2oOxjivrSdxMxaX_B6EZy7LLnUq4eS1wrFm60qCsICwKRIqVjCikA6kuFP2nP0zO6mM4jXFSpMxUU/s400/97_theIommiJob_pt3.jpg" width="295" /></a></div>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I looked at a million
photographs because this is the dot theory of reality, that all knowledge is
available if you connect the dots. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">—Don DeLillo, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Underworld</i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">You wake up in the middle of the night again and there it
is. Staring you right in the face like you’d ordered it off a menu. Summoned
from the ether. Its intent is as clear as its origin is clouded. It gives you
the heebie jeebies. It gives you the fear, the kind that snakes its way into
your bloodstream like an incurable disease. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">But what does it mean?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">This is the question that Curtis Merriweather asked himself
at 2:30 AM as he sat awake in bed,
staring at a blank television screen in a shitty motel room on Santa
Monica Boulevard. The Holloway it was called, like
that girl who disappeared in Aruba a few years back. Street
level digs gave Curtis a front-row seat for the show that never ends: the Great
Hollywood Hooker Revue.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Hey, daddy…” “Hey, sugar…” “Hey <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bay-bee</i>…”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Every two out of three with prominent Adam’s apples. This
was technically still Boys’ Town, so the “ladies” worked both sides of the
street. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Giiiiirrrrlll</i>…look
at that fine piece uh meat!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Uh-uh</i>, bitch. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i> saw him first!” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">What Curtis saw was something else entirely. A vision? A
dream? An epiphany? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It was Tony Iommi talking to him. Out loud. Not a
disembodied voice from the Great Beyond so much as Tony Fucking Iommi, in the
room, huffing down a duke and offering what seemed like advice. This is
clean-shaven Iommi in the sky-blue shirt with the white fringe from the ’74
California Jam. And he’s saying… he’s saying this: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Blah, blah, blah</i>,
Birmingham accent, “fooking this up proper, lad,” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">blah, blah, blah</i>, “tryin’ teh find muh fingers?” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">blah, blah, blah</i>… “Go see Madame
Quinault.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis remembered her. Or her sign, anyway: Madame
Quinault’s Palm Reading & Tarot. He remembered it mostly because it was the
only sign on the block that wasn’t neon. And <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all</i> of those psychic/tarot/palm-reading joints had neon signs. Not
Madame Quinault. She was an iconoclast. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The next day, Curtis did some checking up on her. Born Maria
Alyokhina in Kiev, 1940-something,
parents unknown or undocumented, files missing or destroyed. Arrived in Los
Angeles shortly after the War. Been working her
crystal-ball routine for the rich and gullible since ’69—at this location,
anyway. She opened for business whenever she felt like it, and never before the
crack of noon.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis waited in the rental and cranked the AC. The
sidewalks were a minefield of calamity and vice. Broken glass. Spent rubbers.
Cigarette butts everywhere. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">When she finally turned up, she was better looking than he’d
expected. Less babushka and more Adrienne Barbeau. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Tell me about yourself,” she said.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis smiled. “I’d rather not.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“How can I help you if I don’t know anything about you?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Tony Iommi sent me. Sort of. I’m looking for his
fingertips.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“The Englishman? Tony the Terrible?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Tony the… you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">know</i>
him?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“We dated for a few months in ’72. Brown Sabbath was in town
making a record.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis smirked. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Black
</i>Sabbath. You seen him lately?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“It’s been decades, honey.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“He didn’t leave any, uh, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">prosthesis</i> with you or anything like that?” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Can’t help you there. But I think I know someone who can.”</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the November 2012 issue of </i>Decibel <i>magazine. </i> </span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-9329666788398354362013-01-28T15:05:00.000-08:002013-01-28T15:09:03.616-08:00The Iommi Job (Part 2) <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Bel Air, high fucking noon.
The manse at 773 Stradella Road
had seen better days. Sabbath practically destroyed the place in a blizzard of
cocaine and vodka back in ’72, but that’s not where its current sorry state derived
from. Several years after Sabbath cleared out, TV miniseries queen and former <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Charlie’s Angel </i>star Jaclyn Smith bought
the joint and installed a heart-shaped swimming pool allegedly modeled after
the curve of her own ass. After becoming even more insanely wealthy thanks to
her gaudy women’s apparel and home furnishings empires, she upped sticks and sold
the pad to a shadowy investment group called ULTRA, LLC. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis Merriweather had yet to determine who was behind
ULTRA. But they had let the place go to seed: Broken windows, bricks stacked in
the front yard, about three years’ worth of leaves clogging the drains of
Jackie’s ass-shaped pool. Curtis peered through a broken window and saw the
usual detritus: broken furniture, drop-cloths, spider webs galore. The chances
of Tony Iommi’s missing leather fingertips being somewhere inside 40 years after
the fact? Curtis figured them at about zero. But the Boys seemed pretty sure of
themselves. And they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">were</i> paying the
tab for this goose chase. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis was just about to B&E the place when he heard a
voice behind him.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“What do you think you’re doing, guy?” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis fingered the grip of the .38 snubnose tucked into his
belt.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“I wouldn’t.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis turned slowly and found himself staring down the
barrel of a sawed-off. Behind it was an incredibly obese man with a Hitler
mustache, a bowler hat, and a shit-eating grin. He must’ve weighed 400 pounds,
easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis smiled sheepishly. “I’m with the alarm company. Must’ve
been a rat that tripped the wires or something. You haven’t seen anyone else up
here today, have you?” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Don’t fuck with me,” the fat man snapped. “I can smell a
lie like I can smell the dog shit on your shoe.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis looked down. He had totally stepped in dog shit. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Let’s try again,” the fat man said. “Next wrong answer
costs you a kneecap. What are you doing here?” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Okay, you got me.” Curtis shot him another patently
disingenuous smile, ten times worse than Malcolm McDowell in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A Clockwork Orange</i>. “A friend of mine
left something in this house a while back. He sent me up here to see if I could
find it.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“And what might that be?” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“A desk clock. Some kind of family heirloom. You seen
anything like that inside?” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">“Get dorked, guy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Put
your hands over your head, stroll out of here real slow, and I’ll pretend this
didn’t happen. But if I see you or smell your dog shit shoes up here again,
I’ll shoot your dick off and feed it to the coyotes.” </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis followed the fat man’s instructions. As he passed within
kicking distance of that sprawling front-bum, Curtis had the urge to spin
around and pistol-whip his oppressor right in the stupid mustache. He could
almost see the instantly cleft lip, the smashed teeth, and all that righteous
blood. But he figured—correctly—that he probably wasn’t fast enough to pull off
that kind of maneuver without taking a load of birdshot to the face. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis knew he’d have to hatch a plan. He climbed back into
his rental, goosed the engine, and waved. Fatso lowered the sawed-off and
flipped Curtis the bird.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">He knew the Boys would expect a status update soon. He wasn’t
sure what he’d tell them—about the house, about Iommi’s fingertips, about any
of it. But he knew this: The fat man worked for ULTRA. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the October 2012 issue of </i>Decibel <i>magazine.</i> </span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-84292542491662344832013-01-07T17:28:00.000-08:002013-01-07T17:28:05.343-08:00The Iommi Job (Part 1)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">They sent him to Los Angeles
to steal Tony Iommi’s fingertips. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">It was an earn-your-stripes type of deal. Word was, Iommi
had left a set of his custom leather fingertips at the house in Bel Air where
Black Sabbath had stayed during the recording of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Vol. 4.</i> The Boys said: Deliver the fingertips to us and you’re in.
A made man, more or less: A steady gig plus a nice percentage of the slot
machines operation. They gave him a round-trip plane ticket and a grand in cash
for expenses. Accomplish the task and Curtis Merriweather could look forward to
a silver future in the organization. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">The Boys were not exactly Johnny-come-latelys on the Iommi
Job. Their interest went back to the early ’70s, when Mickey Cohen was still nominally
in charge. Cohen was their patron saint and founding member. He’d been tight
with Don Arden, Sabbath’s manager and Sharon Osbourne’s estranged father. Arden
had cut Cohen in for a percentage of Sabbath’s earnings back in those days. And
not just Sabbath’s: ELO’s as well. Word was both Arden
and Cohen bought new houses off of “Don’t Bring Me Down.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The reason Arden
made the deal was never explained. The Boys never explained anything.
They just gave orders. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">His</i> orders:
Pinch Iommi’s fingertips, STAT. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">But first Curtis had a stop to make. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Cut to: 1621 N. Hoover, a cul-de-sac
in Hollywood. Curtis parked the
rental up the street and inhaled a double-double from In N’ Out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The zit-faced burnout in charge of wax paper
had accidentally wrapped it in the regular cheeseburger packaging. Thus,
Curtis’ hidden Christian missive of the day was Revelation 3:20 instead of
Nahum 1:7. He knew the passage by heart. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Behold, I stand at the
door and knock: If any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to
him, and will sup with him, and he with me. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis interpreted the passage differently than the
congregation at Our Mother Of Good Counsel just up the street. It wasn’t God
knocking. It was opportunity. And he who heeds the knock of opportunity is a
wise man indeed. This, Curtis was convinced, was the prevailing narrative of
his life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">He checked the rearview. She was just leaving the house:
Janice Merriweather, DOB 7/13/55.
She was probably headed to church right now. Curtis watched her ease into her
’83 Pontiac Parisienne and drive off. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">He picked the lock in under a minute. He walked into his old
bedroom and grid-searched it, up-down-left-right. At the back of the closet, he
hit what he thought would surely be the jackpot: Three boxes of LPs in
alphabetical order: A-J, K-Q, R-Z. He tore the lid off of R-Z and went directly
to S. There they were, in chronological order: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Show No Mercy, Haunting The Chapel, Hell Awaits, South Of Heaven,
Seasons In The Abyss…</i>wait… just wait a minute. WAIT.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where the shit was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Reign In Blood</i>? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis flipped through the rest of R-Z. No dice. Same deal
for A-J and K-Q. The fucker was gone. But where? Did it get mixed up with
Janice’s Engelbert Humperdinck LPs? He had a flash: Janice had hauled the
Humperdinck records to St. Vincent de Paul back in ’95, when she finally
switched over to CDs. Curtis had moved out by then. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fuuuuck.</i> Did his pristine copy of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Reign </i>die an agonizing death in the 4-for-a-buck bin surrounded by musty,
ring-worn copies of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hotel California </i>and
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Frampton Comes Alive</i>? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Curtis went back to his rental and cranked the AC. He saw
Janice pull around the corner and into the driveway. He wanted to confront her
about the missing record, but he didn’t think he could withstand an actual
conversation with his mother. Besides, he had a set of leather fingertips to
hunt down. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Reign In Blood </i>would have
to wait. </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the September 2012 issue of </i>Decibel <i>magazine.</i> </span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-2769365107859919022012-11-29T16:33:00.001-08:002012-11-29T16:44:13.367-08:00Wimmen In Metal<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span lang="EN">We here at <i>Decibel</i> magazine were hoping to
bring you an in-depth interview with Sharon Osbourne for our “Women In Metal”
issue. Unfortunately, she was busy hosting the latest incarnation of <i>The
Gong Show</i> with Howard Stern and that ass-clown from <i>St. Elsewhere</i>,
so the scheduling didn’t work out. But Sharon was kind enough to let us know—through
her assistant, Hedwig—that she had been planning to revive Ozzfest this summer
with a second stage featuring all-female and female-fronted acts. In fact, she
told Hedwig to forward us the notes she (Sharon) had made in preparation for
the contract negotiations. At first we thought Hedwig had mistakenly sent us
the wrong document. But then we decided that we didn’t give a shit.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b><u><span lang="EN">From the desk of Sharon Osbourne</span></u></b><u><span lang="EN"> </span></u></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b><span lang="EN">re: Wimmen for Ozzfest</span></b><span lang="EN"></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span lang="EN">1) Jada Pinkett Smith: Is her band still a
thing?<span> </span>Will hubby bankroll second stage
if we make them headliner? </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span lang="EN">2) Runaways reunion: Major fucking coup.<span> </span>Step 1, Talk to Joan: Will hubby bankroll
second stage if we make them headliner? Wait, no hubby. <i>Duh</i>.<span> </span>Brainstorm: Come on to her in attempt to
lower the band’s fee?<span> </span>Also, get Lita to
join Ozzy onstage for “Close My Eyes Forever” during Ozzy’s encore. Don’t tell
Joan. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span lang="EN">3) The Donnas: Are they still a thing? Do any of
them have husbands and/or boyfriends who could bankroll second stage? <span> </span>Will any of them go in for a free nose job/tit
job/liposuction on my new plastic-surgery reality show before the tour
starts?<span> </span>Remember: Cross-promotion!
Branding! Fucking dollar signs everywhere! Can we get Red Bull involved? </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span lang="EN">4) Kat Von
D:<span> </span>Can we get her to lip-sync some M</span>ö<span lang="EN">tley Cr</span>ü<span lang="EN">e songs or something?<span> </span>If so, will they bankroll second stage?<span> </span>Also: discuss possible onstage “wardrobe
malfunctions” caught on camera for maximum publicity. Brainstorm: Possible
lip-sync/”malfunction” duet with Bombshell McGee? And then Jesse James rides a motorcycle
onstage like Rob Fucking Halford. GENIUS.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span lang="EN">5) More fake tits. Obviously. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span lang="EN">6) Lemmy says Bitch is back. I thought he meant
me! Cheeky bastard. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span lang="EN">7) Girlschool: Ozzy says they’re still a thing.
Couldn’t fucking believe it. Have Hedwig scour Internet for recent photos. I
bet they all look like proper slags these days. Maybe have them on plastic-surgery
show instead of The Donnas?<span> </span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span lang="EN">8) Wendy O. Williams hologram. Boo-ya! Coachella
can lick my arse.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span lang="EN">9) The Great Kat. Is she still a thing?<span> </span>Fucking hell, I hope not. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span lang="EN">10) 30 Seconds To Mars: No brainer, but maybe too
expensive?<span> </span>What about blackmail? Tell
Hedwig to offer bounty for photos of Leto with possible boy toys.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 10pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span lang="EN">11) If all else fails, let Kelly play second
stage. Hire Cyndi Lauper to write new songs. (NO Kelly “originals.”) Pay her
with the money we plan to screw Bill Ward out of. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i>This bullshit was originally published in the August 2012 issue of </i>Decibel <i>magazine. </i></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"></span></div>
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<![endif]-->bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-76477879785380485842012-10-26T14:30:00.002-07:002012-10-26T14:35:51.939-07:00Apocalyptic Visions<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i><span lang="EN">If civilization falls apart like nearly all of us
seem to think it will, only the uncivilized will survive.</span></i></span><br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b><span lang="EN">- Jim Goad, “Taming The Wild Nugent,” April 23,
2012</span></b></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN">Dearest Randy,</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN">The end is near. I can see it. It’s written in the
sky. The weather here in Nebraska—your true & rightful home—tells me
everything I need to know. I can <i>feel </i>it. It’s in the air, like that
song you used to listen to all the time when we were kids. You know, the one
with the drum solo or whatever. God, you used to love that song. Do you still
listen to it, I wonder? If there’s
anything I’ve learned in the long years we’ve been apart, it’s that sometimes
songs can tell you the future if you listen close enough. And not just songs,
Randy. Newspapers and the TV can give you glimpses of what’s to come if you
know how to sift through the nonsense and look for the signs. The world around
us is the same way. I often see things written in the birch trees near the old
grain silo. Ripples in the lake whisper portents in my ear. The herons speak to
me without ever opening their bills. We communicate, the birds and I, with our
minds. Telepathy, Randy. Our old friend Mrs. Keating calls it “ESP.” </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN">And you would not believe the things they tell me
about death. Firestorms sent from heaven to burn us down. Big-breasted
she-demons with pin teeth ready to sink poison into our very veins. Undead
armies of teenagers with their heavy metal and their Internet phones and their
erection pills riding a wave of pornography down Main Street. Right here in
Lincoln! Sometimes I think those birds are crazy. I think they’re trying to
confuse me. But then I think about the economy and the gays and that bulge in
Pastor Titus’ crotch that seems to call me like a coyote at midnight and... oh,
I don’t know, Randy! I wish you were
here to help me make sense of all this. You could meet the herons and they
could tell you the things that they tell me and together we could make the
necessary preparations. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN">Uncle Teddy thinks I’m going soft. He says there
ain’t no such thing as birds that can talk to humans about Revelations and
such. But he’s getting ready in his own way. Every time I peek into that old
barn of his, I see more canned beans, more tuna fish, more cling peaches and
fruit cocktails than last time. Sometimes he stays up all night butchering a
deer he’s shot. He salts the meat and heat-seals it with this fancy new
contraption he got at the auction a few months back. Into the freezer it goes,
with all the rest. Right on top of my Klondike bars. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN">I want to tell you something else. Things here in
Lincoln ain’t what they used to be. The latex factory shut down a few months
back, and Ma Herring says she might not be able to keep the diner open past
Christmas. Pastor Titus didn’t say it out loud, but I could tell by last Sunday’s
sermon that the church is hurting for finances. Could you imagine if they had
to close the church, Randy? Last week I
asked the herons if I could do anything about it. I know I’m just silly farm
girl with no fund-raising talents to speak of, but if I can help Pastor Titus
keep the church doors open for all us sinners, I’ll be doing God’s work, won’t
I? </span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN"><span style="font-size: small;"><i></i></span>But the birds said there was nothing I could do.
Do you know why, Randy? </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN">Because Satan is coming, Randy. SATAN IS COMING.
And we are truly powerless against his unholy wrath. I want you to remember
that out there in Los Angeles, Randy. I want you to think about it when you
listen to that song that I know you still listen to. “It” IS coming in the air,
Randy. “It” has cloven hooves and a forked tongue and every word from its mouth
spells S-A-T-A-N and certain death. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN">Gotta run now. Uncle Teddy wants me to milk Gladys
before supper. If you have a chance, please send more of those nice grapefruits
that Momma and I love so much. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN">Love,</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span lang="EN">Carol Ann </span></span><br /><br /><br /><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>This bullshit originally appeared in the July 2012 issue of </i>Decibel </span><i><span style="font-size: small;">magazine. </span></i></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i> </i></span></span></div>
bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-16438970179594796832012-08-16T16:37:00.002-07:002012-08-16T16:37:28.186-07:00Astral Assassins<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY9lJmogGB_u1ZVMgJfqA-_dVhEERMMaGFzBq3LykcpjEq_XFTU0GVObr7yKpspuhQCuccvvHPnZwKDpWBEQU0Y14ozvIn3DEHNwzY-j56HK2V2ufv1pwKBYTn4Rdi5H24kqnO0qTBdSs/s1600/92_cockhammer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY9lJmogGB_u1ZVMgJfqA-_dVhEERMMaGFzBq3LykcpjEq_XFTU0GVObr7yKpspuhQCuccvvHPnZwKDpWBEQU0Y14ozvIn3DEHNwzY-j56HK2V2ufv1pwKBYTn4Rdi5H24kqnO0qTBdSs/s320/92_cockhammer.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rossignol’s curious,
albeit simply titled book, the </i>Origins of a World War<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, spoke in terms of </i>secret treaties<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, drawn up between the Ambassadors from Plutonia and Desdinova the
foreign minister. These treaties founded a secret science from the stars.
Astronomy. The career of evil.</i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">—Sandy Pearlman, Blue Öyster Cult’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Secret Treaties</i> </b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 8.5pt;"></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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To the endless soundtrack of Burzum’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Filosofem</i>, Randy considered his fate. He’d been up all night
reading conspiracy theories. Again. His latest was a scintillating thrift-store
paperback entitled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Satan’s Assassins</i>.
Its front and back covers touted its vast inner wealth: “Thoroughly documented!
All fact! Earthshaking evidence for a bold new theory: that history’s most
notorious slayers have been controlled by the Occult...the only book that dares
to suggest that a power from beyond may be dictating the murders of our public
figures... and offers history’s documents to prove it... by internationally
known experts on the occult.” </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
Publication date: 1971. Dedication: “To Jay Garon, who
cares.” </div>
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<br /></div>
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A quick Google search revealed that Jay Garon was—probably—the
literary agent who would later become famous for being only guy in the universe
who called the phone number at the top of an unsolicited manuscript by an
aspiring novelist named John Grisham. After adaptations of Grisham’s bestselling
legal thrillers—<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Firm</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Client</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Pelican Brief</i>—hit the bright lights and big titties of
Hollywood, Garon would, according to his obituary in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Baltimore Sun</i>, “regularly negotiate multimillion-dollar movie
rights for books Mr. Grisham hadn’t written yet.” </div>
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It all made perfect sense. To Randy, anyway. And Randy was
one of those people for whom the dots always connected, even when they didn’t. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Satan’s Assassins</i> asserted, basically,
that Charles Manson, Lee Harvey Oswald, Sirhan Sirhan, Ramón Mercader (Leon
Trotsky’s assassin), Chuck Guiteau (President James Garfield’s assassin) and other
similarly positioned villains and/or patsies were the automatic agents of
Satan. Well, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">duh</i>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In Randy’s world, both public figures and
anonymous everymen sold their souls to the devil on a regular basis. These
transactions were in no way figurative or metaphorical. These people spoke, out
loud, with Lucifer himself. Hasty, often desperate negotiations took place.
Concessions were made. Deals were cut. It was a routine exchange, like buying a
loaf of bread. And that’s exactly why nobody in a position to expose the
phenomenon—journalists, the government, academics, NASA—gave it a second
thought. In fact, most of them had probably sold their own souls long ago. It
was a closed circuit, a never-ending wheel. </div>
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Fuck them anyway, Randy thought. I’m keeping my soul no
matter how bad shit gets. Even when the 9000-pound cock-hammer drops. And by
Randy’s watch, the 9000-pound cock-hammer was due to drop any second. This is
2012, after all. The Mayans knew what was up. None of their prophecies were in
any way bullshit or the result of sunstroke or some delayed after-effect of
whatever mysterious herbs they were ingesting. No way. </div>
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<br /></div>
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There was something else, of course. There was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always</i> something else. Randy considered
himself something of a virtuoso in the field of astral projection. He had
discovered this ability by accident sometime in the late ’90s, when he left his
body while masturbating and was able to achieve an aerial view of his own jerk-off
session. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He got so excited by this startling
development that his dopamine receptors misfired and he lost his erection. But
by that point he didn’t care. </div>
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Randy started jacking it three times a day. By his count, he
successfully embarked on at least one psychic voyage every few months. As a
result, he’d seen a few things. Like the signing of the Magna Carta. Like the
moon landing (which took place on a soundstage in Newark,
just as he suspected). Like his own grandfather being conceived in an outhouse
in Nebraska. Randy was also pretty
sure he’d spoken at length with Carlos Castaneda somewhere in the Fifth
Dimension. Or at least his soul had talked<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">
at</i> a shadow that vaguely resembled Castaneda’s profile. At one point, Randy
felt he had projected himself into the day room at Pleasant Valley State Prison
and smoked weed with Sirhan Sirhan. </div>
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<br /></div>
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It was all part of what Randy understood as a collective
consciousness. A lattice of coincidence. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Satan’s
Assassins</i> was just another brick in the wall between himself and those who
couldn’t or wouldn’t comprehend. Which was totally fine. There was no doubt in
Randy’s mind who would prevail—who would achieve <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">total consciousness</i>—and who would languish in the stale, dark
corners of perception. His path was clear: Onwards, upwards, astrally and forever.
Or at least until the cock-hammer drops.<br />
<br />
<i>This bullshit originally appeared in the June 2012 issue of </i>Decibel <i>magazine.</i> </div>
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bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-49372162892675861722012-06-05T17:25:00.000-07:002012-06-05T17:25:16.869-07:00Memorandum<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg60XUi_Rwt223m17YpWzAgq_XtVl5YEX86OISU-MX5jNW5BrZ2IIDCyaBz92K8_PNv7ScWWggEbgy3ZH-s9rHVZb_AP9PXMe5wuudCEwytU7j3sZM65M5Da9tBE6fBNNvrHxxplkVKeYU/s1600/85.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg60XUi_Rwt223m17YpWzAgq_XtVl5YEX86OISU-MX5jNW5BrZ2IIDCyaBz92K8_PNv7ScWWggEbgy3ZH-s9rHVZb_AP9PXMe5wuudCEwytU7j3sZM65M5Da9tBE6fBNNvrHxxplkVKeYU/s320/85.jpg" width="258" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">31 August 2011</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Attn:<b> All crew, the
Rock Never, Ever, Ever Stops Tour. Ever. </b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">1) Let’s get this out of the way right off
the bat: Those shitbirds up front can go get fucked. The band does not care how
much the douche lords from Merrill Lynch paid for their tickets. It does not
give them the right to throw half-full $15 beers at the band. It does not give
them license to whip those shitty plastic “Gold Circle” champagne glasses at
the band. When did we start serving champagne to these entitled pricks, anyway?
Charging them an extra three bills for a bottle of bottom-shelf Mo</span>ë<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">t might seem like good business to the
geniuses over in accounting, but it’s just not worth the aggravation. So let’s
consider the plug officially pulled on that score. </span><span style="font-size: 8.5pt;"></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">2) The backstage meet-and-greets need to
be scaled back. WAY back. There are only so many greasy teenagers, toothless
speed freaks and flat-assed soccor moms the band can be expected to cozy up to
each night. The band have remarked on numerous occasions about the staggering
array of pendulous Midwestern titties they’ve been compelled to autograph over
the course of the last few months. Meanwhile, the radio stations seem to be
bringing in the tweakers en masse. Not sure if ROXX 106 up in Boston is out
trolling for them in their notorious “Pahty Wicked Hahd” van or if meth heads
just have an abundance of downtime to call 1-800 numbers for free concert
tickets. Either way, we need to institute some sort of profiling scheme before
we haul all these dimwits backstage. Jimmy, please call your boy over at the
TSA and see if he has any tips vis-</span>à<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">-vis this issue. Make sure to stress that we’re not particularly concerned
about “sand niggers.” </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">3) You are all no doubt aware of the
recent rash of collapsing outdoor stages. Cheap Trick and Blue </span>Ö<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">yster Cult had a close one up in Ottawa
recently. And then there was the tragedy at the Indiana State Fair last month.
Needless to say, the band is understandably concerned about being decapitated—or
worse—by falling stage rigging. We’ve got that big outdoor gig/wet t-shirt
contest/demolition derby lined up for next week in Omaha with FireHouse and Big
Daddy Don Garlits. Under normal circumstances we’d cancel, but let’s face it:
We’ve all got child support payments to make here. As of right now, the only
bright ideas our esteemed crew chief has come up with involve crossed fingers,
four-leaf clovers and scratch tickets. We need a viable structural solution,
post-haste. </span><span style="font-size: 8.5pt;"></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">4) Keep this
one on the DL, but it is officially time to give Joey D. his own dressing room.
He’ll think he’s finally getting the prima donna treatment he “deserves,” but
the rest of the band are sick of him two-fingering all the catering before they
even arrive at the venue. On more than one occasion, the band has discovered
Joey backstage scooping handfuls of potato salad or Beef Stroganoff onto his
plate with his bare hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only have
they expressed their dismay and disgust at this situation directly to Joey,
they have also pointed out the serving spoons that are almost always right next
to the food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though he is unaware of it
as of right now, the Joey D. solo dressing room plan goes into effect for the
Tacoma show. Your discretion is appreciated. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">England prevails,</span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">The Management. </span></div>bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-67542037851034245962012-05-03T17:56:00.001-07:002012-05-03T17:57:13.634-07:00You've Been Caught In A Laugh Riot<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMGEzrjII1XapCLgbc4dQj3ejbKc0E2-4M3uXOkGc6xAUvx7mUoC3Sg1ARfytDnn5C1m2jncYBOXQlyHnp_xhFEEjLk_dr9aB43C8V8g3sFXdvkySAMmas1wT1Neax9KsZ1j4oaMfDOIs/s1600/84_flat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMGEzrjII1XapCLgbc4dQj3ejbKc0E2-4M3uXOkGc6xAUvx7mUoC3Sg1ARfytDnn5C1m2jncYBOXQlyHnp_xhFEEjLk_dr9aB43C8V8g3sFXdvkySAMmas1wT1Neax9KsZ1j4oaMfDOIs/s320/84_flat.jpg" width="206" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Heavy metal comedy audition # 117</b></div>
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I just wanna begin by saying that it’s an honor to be here
tonight at the Comedy Sack in Dubuque, where so many heavy metal comedy giants
have graced the stage before me. I mean, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wow</i>.
To think that right now I’m standing in the exact same spot where Chris Holmes,
“Philthy” Phil Taylor and the really angry mustache dude from Mortician once
busted guts? Amazing. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sensational</i>. I
can feel their aura of superb comic timing all around me, enveloping me like
the folds of a warm va-jay-jay after a couple of Bacardi Breezes, thus
fulfilling the two-drink minimum here at the Comedy Sack. Thank you very much for having me. I’m just …
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wow</i>. Okay, okay, I can see you’re
eager for me to get this party started. </div>
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Okay, okay, so I forget how this one goes, but it starts
with, “Four white guys walk into a bar…” and the punch line is “Metallica.” I
know, I know: You’re thinking, “What about Robert Trujillo? Isn’t he…?” Yeah, I
was thinking the same thing. But trust me, the joke is hilarious. </div>
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Okay, Okay, here’s another one: That Norwegian black metal
dude, you know, the chubby one, he comes up me and goes, “Are you gonna finish
that?” But before I can even figure out what he’s talking about (it’s chocolate
cake), I punch him right in the balls. We all got a huge fucking belly laugh
out of that one. See what I did there? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Belly
laugh</i>? No? Fuuuuuck. Tough room,
dude.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Okay, okay, okay. I can see you’re running out of patience
here. What about that other black metal dude, the one with the assault record
and the gay boyfriend? What? Too soon?
Too insensitive? I wasn’t gonna make a gay joke. Just a joke about, you know,
butt sex. I figure butt sex is hilarious
no matter who’s doing it. I mean, right? </div>
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Okay, okay, okay. So you’re one of those sensitive
crust-punk types. You’ve got your homemade His Hero Is Gone patches sewn onto
your fourth-hand Canadian military jacket, and I can see you’ve got Fido there
on a rope. You’d probably get your panties in a bunch if I made a joke about
showers or, like, soap. Especially dropping the soap in the shower. So I feel
like my hands are tied here. Kinda like how you’ve got Fido on that rope. I
feel like you’re jerking me around and giving me mange at the same time. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
Okay, okay. I didn’t mean that. I swear. I’m just nervous
‘cause I really want the gig, you know? Did you ever see that old <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">SNL </i>skit, the one with Chris Farley and
Patrick Swayze, and they’re at Chippendales auditions? That’s how I feel right
now—fat and sweaty and shirtless. Only I’m not dead like those guys are… oh, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">c’mon</i>! Too soon again? Those dudes have
been gone for years now, man! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: justify;">
Okay, okay. You into grindcore? Okay, what do you get when you cross a
grindcore vocalist with, like, a pit bull?
Can you guess? A pit bull that
won’t shut up! No? Seriously? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fuuuuck</i>, dude. I mean, I know I’m not
the next Rodney Dangerfield or anything, but this shit is gold. Okay, maybe not
gold. Oh, it’s like cobalt? Comedy cobalt? That’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hilarious</i>, dude. Yeah, I
mean, what do you need me for? Or anyone else for that matter? You should do the whole show by yourself.
Dick.<br />
<br />
<i>This bullshit originally appeared in the October 2011 issue of </i>Decibel<i> magazine. </i></div>bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4797882254515109764.post-91095383701496586722012-03-16T11:22:00.004-07:002012-03-16T11:35:10.016-07:00Like Ebony & Ivory (Only Much, Much Worse)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAGQnWpzqFqB1bdY4MaHIg7L9r2N7wsyIkWw3B8ERcOggJNsst7ta49-pIrLBg1xt5zRg0_Ij1j5i2oic5iVlN50v20KOu8yOl2i7E8uvb2WICzXhIq184RUNdrGJ8ssozDlne9eu4__M/s1600/83.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 337px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAGQnWpzqFqB1bdY4MaHIg7L9r2N7wsyIkWw3B8ERcOggJNsst7ta49-pIrLBg1xt5zRg0_Ij1j5i2oic5iVlN50v20KOu8yOl2i7E8uvb2WICzXhIq184RUNdrGJ8ssozDlne9eu4__M/s400/83.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5720562244941350482" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif][if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif][if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> <p style=" text-align: justify;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style=" line-height: 115%;">We thought the final nail had been driven into Metallica’s jewel-encrusted coffin a long time ago, but when they announced their forthcoming album collaboration with Lou Reed, it became clear that we’d need a bigger hammer. And a shitload of extra nails. Unfortunately, certain veteran thrashers have apparently caught the latest mental illness that Lars and the boys seem to be suffering from. It’s like syphilis in that it starts with an ill-advised coupling followed by a hasty exchange of fluids and ends in severe delusions, painful lesions, and sadness.</span></span></p> <p style=" text-align: justify;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style=" line-height: 115%;">Slayer & Sade</span></b><span style=" line-height: 115%;"> – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">(This Is)</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">No Ordinary Reign</i></span></span></p> <p style=" text-align: justify;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style=" line-height: 115%;">Emboldened by their successful collaboration with Ice T on the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Judgment Night</i> soundtrack, Kerry King and company up the ante by cutting an album with the ’80s R&B nightingale who purred </span><span style=" line-height: 115%;">America</span><span style=" line-height: 115%;"> to sleep at night with ubiquitous hits like “Smooth Operator” and “The Sweetest Taboo.”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The unholy deal was sealed when Tom Araya rang up the British-Nigerian songstress after hearing that she covered a Thin Lizzy song during one of her concerts earlier this year. As it turns out, Sade is a massive Slayer fan who thinks <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Seasons In The Abyss</i> is the band’s finest hour. “I never understood why <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Reign In Blood</i> is the one that everybody sweats,” she recently told <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Decibel</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>“I mean, ‘Dead Skin Mask’ is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">the fucking tits</i>, am I wrong?”</span></span></p> <p style=" text-align: justify;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style=" line-height: 115%;">Megadeth & Jackson Browne</span></b><span style=" line-height: 115%;"> – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">So Far, So Good… Sew Buttons!</i></span></span></p> <p style=" text-align: justify;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style=" line-height: 115%;">For once, MegaDave beats his old bandmates to the limp-wristed punch by finding someone even more lame to work with than Lou Reed. What started as a duet of “Running On Empty” –eventually discarded for the severely under-appreciated “Somebody’s Baby” from the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Fast Times At Ridgemont High</i> soundtrack—turned into a 78-minute full-length featuring a guest shot from Glenn Frey, 400 cases of red wine, and a long-lost piano track contributed by the estate of the late, great Warren Zevon. Suck on THAT, Lars!</span></span></p> <p style=" text-align: justify;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style=" line-height: 115%;">Anthrax & Meat Loaf</span></b><span style=" line-height: 115%;"> – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Fistful Of Meatloaf</i></span></span></p> <p style=" text-align: justify;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style=" line-height: 115%;">Though their work with Public Enemy on “Bring Tha Noize” resulted in one of the few rap-rock unions that doesn’t completely blow dead dogs for quarters, Anthrax never could leave well enough alone. Or pass up the opportunity to work with The Loaf, especially now that Scott Ian is having a kid with his daughter. (Meat Loaf’s daughter, that is—not his own daughter. That would be fucked up.) Unsurprisingly, the band’s collabo with the artist formerly known as Marvin Lee Aday on “Paradise By The Dashboard Light” is third-rate and tepid when compared to similarly bloated AOR hits covered by the rest of the Big Four. Plus, Joey Belladonna totally butchers all of Ellen Foley’s lines. </span></span></p> <p style=" text-align: justify;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style=" line-height: 115%;">Testament & James </span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal"><span style=" line-height: 115%;">Taylor</span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style=" line-height: 115%;"> – </span></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><span style=" line-height: 115%;">Live at Tanglewood </span></i><span style=" line-height: 115%;">(Bootleg)</span></span></p> <p style=" text-align: justify;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style=" line-height: 115%;">Inspired and invigorated by one too many </span><span style=" line-height: 115%;">midnight</span><span style=" line-height: 115%;"> viewings of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Two-Lane Blacktop</i>, Chuck Billy decided to find out just how boring a James Taylor concert could really be. The answer? Really, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">really</i> fucking boring. And yet it didn’t stop him from getting shitfaced on wine spritzers and singing along to “How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)” with all the semi-retired investment bankers and their summer-cottage mistresses. Billy even braved the lactating throng of 60-year old dental hygienists to sneak backstage and meet </span><span style=" line-height: 115%;">Taylor</span><span style=" line-height: 115%;"> in person. Their conversation—and impromptu renditions of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” </span><span style=" line-height: 115%;">Taylor</span><span style=" line-height: 115%;">’s “Fire and Rain” and Testament’s “Return To Serenity”—were surreptitiously recorded by a member of </span><span style=" line-height: 115%;">Taylor</span><span style=" line-height: 115%;">’s road crew, who reportedly sold the mp3 files to “the Internet” for “big, big money.”<br /></span></span></p><p style=" text-align: justify;font-family:trebuchet ms;" class="MsoNormal"><span style=" line-height: 115%;font-size:12pt;" ><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">This bullshit originally appeared in the September 2011 issue of </span>Decibel<span style="font-style: italic;"> magazine. </span></span><br /></span></p>bennetthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02723089667122934789noreply@blogger.com0