The following is dedicated to my attorney, Juan Perez.
What’s up, buddy? Good to see ya, you old cock. It’s about fackin’ time, too. Ya hit the packy on the way over? Nice! What’s that? Oh, don’t mind ol’ Francis ovah theah. He just heard Soundgahden got back togethah. Yeah, yeah, he’s fackin’ psyched. Plus, he just ate like three king-size Buttahfingahs. I heah ya, though. Yeah, I have no idea what happened to Chris Cawnell. That Jimmy Bond song is gayuh than a P-town Ahts Festival at midnight, but that doesn’t explain Audioslave, does it? Or that thing with
But look, I know that’s not why ya heah. Business to attend to and all that. Heah’s the thing, though: Ma’s at bingo tonight. Yeah, yeah, three Wednesdees in a row now. It must be that second cuppa coffee she’s been havin’ in the aftahnoons or whatevah. I didn’t mention that ovah the phone? That she wasn’t gonna be heah, I mean? Shit, I’m sorry, dood. I coulda swoan I told ya that. But look, if you wanna hang out and watch Hahd N’ Heavy videos with us, it’s totally cool. Francis! Fack, Francis, man—move over, for fack’s sake. Randy’s gonna hang out.
You see that Dave Ellefson’s back in
Aw, dooood … look at this now. Why they always gotta roon these things with Damn Yankees? Just watchin’ Ted Nugent talk makes my tits hurt. Oh, shit! He just called those othah doods fags, though. Turn it up? Why? Do you think it’ll help? Oh, now this… this is what I’m talkin’ about. Suicidal fackin’ Tendencies. You. Can’t. Bring.
Oh, check out this intahview with the Scorpions doods. Hallo, vee ah Scorpions! I love these doods, guy. Klaus Meine’s head should have its own talk show. They’ah gonna show the “Rhythm Of Love” video next. So facking good. Yeah, this is the second time we’ve watched this one today. What? No, I heah ya, I heah ya. Big Daddy needs to get paid. I know. She should be home any minute now. Aw, Francis! How many times I gotta tell ya yuh gonna go blind if ya don’t stop doin’ that? Put it away, bro—we got company!
Wait, I think I heah Ma comin’ up the driveway. Sit tight for a second; I gotta help 'uh with the groceries. She’s prolly hadda coupla pops, too. You know how it is down the Knights a’
This bullshit originally appeared in the May 2010 issue of Decibel magazine.