Repent, brothers and sisters!
Repent, for you do the Devil’s handiwork every time you raise those unholy fingers in the sign of the horns!
REPENT, for Jesus cannot love you if you do not love him! Even though Jesus loves everybody. Except fags. And liberals. And/or those who cannot bring themselves to vote Republican in the next election.
Repent, for the music of Satan will only plunge you further into the depths of hell! And that hell is HOT, brothers and sisters. It is fiery and merciless. It is fierce and unforgiving. The flames will scorch your flesh and blacken your very soul. And then your soul will be blacker than it is right now, at this moment, as you blast that Satan music from your car full of illegal immigrants and hoist your middle finger in what you imagine is defiance. Blacker than that indeed, brothers and sisters! And blacker still, until there can be none more black. Do you hear me, my wayward lambs? NONE! MORE! BLACK!
REPENT, I say! For I have spoken with your spokesperson, a certain Mr. … Lant. Yes, Conrad Lant, from Newcastle-upon-Tyne, which I’m told is in some faraway place called Europe. And it has not been a reassuring conversation, brothers and sisters. No! It seems this illegal foreigner has some ideas of his own about the spiritual needs of this fragile human enterprise and its relationship—or lack thereof—with a higher power. Indeed, many of Mr. Lant’s illegal comments and sentiments were decidedly un-Christian. He made several references to my unmentionables, for example. But I suppose I should not be surprised, not with the unruly state of the great unwashed that stands before me today, what with your unkempt beards and your abortions and your heavy metal. What’s next? Drugs? Oh, but I imagine you’re already into those—the uppers, the downers, the all-arounders! And what about anal? Yes, ANAL, brothers and sisters! Be it between a man and a man or a Muslim and his dog, it is BLASPHEMY. But I can already smell it on you. I can smell it like I can smell the poop in your pants when Jesus comes to judge you. How will thee be judged? Harshly and swiftly, I should think! HARSHLY AND SWIFTLY!
REPENT, for you are unknowing and ungrateful! The almighty JEEEEZUS will have no use for you. Not now, not ever … UNLESS! Unless you kneel down before Him and beg his forgiveness and the forgiveness of Glenn Beck and swear upon your heart that tax cuts for the ridiculously wealthy are the only way to ease our earthly woes! Yes, prostrate yourself before Christ! I beseech you to beseech Him! It is the only way to absolve your filthy, homosexual, heavy metal abortionist lifestyle in the eyes of the Lord! ABORTION! HOMOSEXUAL! FILTHY!
Repent, I tell you! Do it now or suffer the consequences on Judgment Day! Because that day is coming soon, you dirty gaylords. And punishment will be worse than anything described in that Devil music you listen to, worse even than the bloody, half-formed fetuses you throw in the trash can after having all that hot gay sex out of wedlock and smoking crystal meth for three days with unwed mothers and heavy metal. REPENT! REPENT! REPENT! And write to your senator to tell him that God HATES “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” It is then and ONLY then that JEEEEZUS can forgive you! He is the only way out of the darkness and into the light! Tell your senator that unemployment benefits are for COMMUNISTS! Tell him to give that money to the corporations and giant banks that NEED IT! Tell him you believe in the trickle-down economy and that you will believe in it until you freeze to death in your own bed come February, bloated from starvation! Tell him you want more predatory loans! Tell him that women belong in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant! GET THEM SHOES OFF, BEEETCH! Tell him that all brown people should be shipped back to ESS-PAN-YOL! Ask him, does he realize that the president is A BLACK MUSLIM FROM AFRICA? Do it now, brothers and sisters, do it now! HOMOSEXUALS! HEAVY METAL! ABORTION! REPENT! REPENT! REPENT!
This bullshit originally appeared in the February 2011 issue of Decibel magazine.