Thursday, November 29, 2012

Wimmen In Metal

We here at Decibel magazine were hoping to bring you an in-depth interview with Sharon Osbourne for our “Women In Metal” issue. Unfortunately, she was busy hosting the latest incarnation of The Gong Show with Howard Stern and that ass-clown from St. Elsewhere, so the scheduling didn’t work out. But Sharon was kind enough to let us know—through her assistant, Hedwig—that she had been planning to revive Ozzfest this summer with a second stage featuring all-female and female-fronted acts. In fact, she told Hedwig to forward us the notes she (Sharon) had made in preparation for the contract negotiations. At first we thought Hedwig had mistakenly sent us the wrong document. But then we decided that we didn’t give a shit.
From the desk of Sharon Osbourne
re: Wimmen for Ozzfest
1) Jada Pinkett Smith: Is her band still a thing?  Will hubby bankroll second stage if we make them headliner?
2) Runaways reunion: Major fucking coup.  Step 1, Talk to Joan: Will hubby bankroll second stage if we make them headliner? Wait, no hubby. Duh.  Brainstorm: Come on to her in attempt to lower the band’s fee?  Also, get Lita to join Ozzy onstage for “Close My Eyes Forever” during Ozzy’s encore. Don’t tell Joan.
3) The Donnas: Are they still a thing? Do any of them have husbands and/or boyfriends who could bankroll second stage?  Will any of them go in for a free nose job/tit job/liposuction on my new plastic-surgery reality show before the tour starts?  Remember: Cross-promotion! Branding! Fucking dollar signs everywhere! Can we get Red Bull involved?
4) Kat Von D:  Can we get her to lip-sync some Mötley Crüe songs or something?  If so, will they bankroll second stage?  Also: discuss possible onstage “wardrobe malfunctions” caught on camera for maximum publicity. Brainstorm: Possible lip-sync/”malfunction” duet with Bombshell McGee? And then Jesse James rides a motorcycle onstage like Rob Fucking Halford. GENIUS.
5) More fake tits. Obviously.
6) Lemmy says Bitch is back. I thought he meant me! Cheeky bastard.
7) Girlschool: Ozzy says they’re still a thing. Couldn’t fucking believe it. Have Hedwig scour Internet for recent photos. I bet they all look like proper slags these days. Maybe have them on plastic-surgery show instead of The Donnas? 
8) Wendy O. Williams hologram. Boo-ya! Coachella can lick my arse.
9) The Great Kat. Is she still a thing?  Fucking hell, I hope not.
10) 30 Seconds To Mars: No brainer, but maybe too expensive?  What about blackmail? Tell Hedwig to offer bounty for photos of Leto with possible boy toys.
11) If all else fails, let Kelly play second stage. Hire Cyndi Lauper to write new songs. (NO Kelly “originals.”) Pay her with the money we plan to screw Bill Ward out of.
This bullshit was originally published in the August 2012 issue of Decibel magazine.