Dear Dominator

My new friend Valdas Paskas, a.k.a. The Dominator, former vocalist for legendary UK proto-grind titans Face Violator, has asked (demanded) that I turn Cry Now, Cry Later over to him every once in a while (“whenever I like, you cunt”) so he can answer queries from his fans around the world. This is the first installment, obviously. And quite possibly the last.

Dear Dominator,

Many Hailz!!!! I love black metal, but I think posing in the forest in corpsepaint whilst wielding a sword is gay. What should I do?

Best,

Corky from Cardiff

Hey, Corky—I was just thinking the same exact thing while I was in the forest wearing corpsepaint and wielding a sword. Then I remembered that I had a life to lead.

Dear Dominator,

What do you think of these d-bags with sideways haircuts who are combining Auto-Tune with bad metal?

Maggie

Port Townsend, WA

Dear Maggie,

I’m glad you asked. What’s Auto-Tune?

Dear Dominator,

Did you really tell Ian Gillan to “huff my sweaty bag, fat boy,” when Face Violator opened for Sabbath in ’84?

Ronnie

Omaha, NB

First of all, Ian Gillan is the fattest, drunkest fuck in rock n’ roll next to Bob Hite (R.I.P.) from Canned Heat (R.I.P.). And what I actually said was: “You better clean up this beer, fatso. You wouldn’t want me to slip and accidentally put my foot up your ass.”

Dear Dominator,

When I was 12, I found a dead squirrel in the woods behind my house and decided to see what it would feel like. You know, on the inside. That’s when I discovered that it wasn’t actually dead. What do I do?

Alaksandar

Minsk, Belarus

Dear Alaks,

I suggest you toughen up and stop being such a faggot. Penetrating a small mammal is considered a rite of passage all across Eastern Europe. Suck it up, sissy.

Dear Dominator,

I hear you make an excellent lamb stew. Care to share the recipe?

Danke,

Karl from Hamburg

Okay, Karl. The recipe you seek is an ancient and highly guarded Lithuanian secret, but here goes: 1) Kill the lamb by strangling it with your bare hands. (2) Butcher, clean and dress the beast. (3) Throw everything into a cauldron over an open flame. (4) Go fuck yourself.

Yo, Dominator –

When I get out, Imma kick ya big white ass for what you did to my girl.

Tito

Pelican Bay SHU

Hey, Tito—your girl is actually right here. If she didn’t have her mouth full at the moment, I’m sure she’d say hi.

Dear Dominator,

Where can I find your albums? I’ve searched everywhere, even the Internet. Do you even exist?

Ian

Sheffield, England

Dear Ian,

Of course I exist. You just emailed me, genius. As for the albums, did you check your mom’s house? I’m pretty sure I saw some when I was over there.

Dear Dominator,

I used to be in a moderately successful third-rate metal band back in the late ’70s and early ’80s. Then our lead singer’s ego blew up like a balloon, so he split the band and went solo. He’s still kind of a prick, but I think we might have one more album in us if we put our minds to it. Should I get the band back together?

Pete from Brixton

I know this is you, Damone. The day we get the band back together is the day hell freezes over and Satan comes over to plant a money tree in my backyard. Faaaaaaahk youuuuuuuuuuu.

_________________________________________

The Dominator currently resides somewhere in Thailand with his three teenage pool boys, Zorro, Tonto and the Lone Ranger. You can email him your questions at maximum.domination@gmail.com

This bullshit originally appeared in the November 2010 issue of Decibel magazine.