We here at Decibel magazine were hoping to
bring you an in-depth interview with Sharon Osbourne for our “Women In Metal”
issue. Unfortunately, she was busy hosting the latest incarnation of The
Gong Show with Howard Stern and that ass-clown from St. Elsewhere,
so the scheduling didn’t work out. But Sharon was kind enough to let us know—through
her assistant, Hedwig—that she had been planning to revive Ozzfest this summer
with a second stage featuring all-female and female-fronted acts. In fact, she
told Hedwig to forward us the notes she (Sharon) had made in preparation for
the contract negotiations. At first we thought Hedwig had mistakenly sent us
the wrong document. But then we decided that we didn’t give a shit.
From the desk of Sharon Osbourne
re: Wimmen for Ozzfest
1) Jada Pinkett Smith: Is her band still a
thing? Will hubby bankroll second stage
if we make them headliner?
2) Runaways reunion: Major fucking coup. Step 1, Talk to Joan: Will hubby bankroll
second stage if we make them headliner? Wait, no hubby. Duh. Brainstorm: Come on to her in attempt to
lower the band’s fee? Also, get Lita to
join Ozzy onstage for “Close My Eyes Forever” during Ozzy’s encore. Don’t tell
Joan.
3) The Donnas: Are they still a thing? Do any of
them have husbands and/or boyfriends who could bankroll second stage? Will any of them go in for a free nose job/tit
job/liposuction on my new plastic-surgery reality show before the tour
starts? Remember: Cross-promotion!
Branding! Fucking dollar signs everywhere! Can we get Red Bull involved?
4) Kat Von
D: Can we get her to lip-sync some Mötley Crüe songs or something? If so, will they bankroll second stage? Also: discuss possible onstage “wardrobe
malfunctions” caught on camera for maximum publicity. Brainstorm: Possible
lip-sync/”malfunction” duet with Bombshell McGee? And then Jesse James rides a motorcycle
onstage like Rob Fucking Halford. GENIUS.
5) More fake tits. Obviously.
6) Lemmy says Bitch is back. I thought he meant
me! Cheeky bastard.
7) Girlschool: Ozzy says they’re still a thing.
Couldn’t fucking believe it. Have Hedwig scour Internet for recent photos. I
bet they all look like proper slags these days. Maybe have them on plastic-surgery
show instead of The Donnas?
8) Wendy O. Williams hologram. Boo-ya! Coachella
can lick my arse.
9) The Great Kat. Is she still a thing? Fucking hell, I hope not.
10) 30 Seconds To Mars: No brainer, but maybe too
expensive? What about blackmail? Tell
Hedwig to offer bounty for photos of Leto with possible boy toys.
11) If all else fails, let Kelly play second
stage. Hire Cyndi Lauper to write new songs. (NO Kelly “originals.”) Pay her
with the money we plan to screw Bill Ward out of.
This bullshit was originally published in the August 2012 issue of Decibel magazine.
