Welcome To Metal Zone (We Have Some Questions For You)

Metal Zone Entrance Examination, form 1(a)

Name/Address/DOB/Occupation/Passport Number:

Countries visited prior to arrival in METAL ZONE (besides Germany):   

Have you visited any farms or been in contact with any livestock prior to arrival in METAL ZONE?

If yes, were the animals cloven-hoofed?

Have you ever been accused of being a poser?  If so, stop now and proceed directly to form 63(a).

Have you ever confused doom with funeral doom?

Have you ever confused death/doom with blackened doom?

Have you ever confused black/death with blackened death?

Do you think that the previous question was a trick question?

Essay Question # 1: Udo Dirkschneider makes me feel __________

Essay Question # 2: My favorite Angel Witch song is _____________ because ____________

Do you claim to be able to discern the logos of obscure black metal bands, even when you can’t?

Do you secretly love Ross The Boss-era Manowar but make fun of the band anyway?

Essay Question # 3: The best song on the NWOBHM ’79 Revisited compilation is _________ because ______________

How many Exciter albums do you own on vinyl? 

On cassette? 

Are those albums/cassettes on Megaforce or Banzai?  Please give a detailed breakdown.

Essay Question # 4: You are at a festival in Europe. You have enough money to buy an original Venom shirt from 1981 if you can talk the guy down, which you think you probably can, or approximately six beers. What do you do—and why?  If you need more space to complete your answer, use the blank pages attached to this form.

What is the song that got you into Satan?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how hard are you posing right now?

What about now?

If you answered either or both of the previous two questions, stop now and proceed directly to form 63(a).

Essay Question # 5: On a scale of 1 to 10, how psyched are you for Bolt Thrower’s upcoming US tour?  Answer the question regardless of whether you live in the US. If you don’t plan to attend one of the shows, stop now and proceed directly to form 63(a).

Does Jeff Hanneman somehow seem cooler to you now that he’s contracted a flesh-eating disease?

Do you refuse to acknowledge that Rob Halford likes dudes?

Should the goat on the cover of Bathory’s self-titled debut be yellow or white? If you do not understand the question, stop now and proceed directly to form 63(a).

Essay Question # 6: The best Megadeth lineup includes (a) Marty Friedman and Nick Menza, or (b) Chris Poland and Gar Samuelson. Include a detailed, point-by-point comparison.

Do you own an original copy of Witch Cross’ Fit For Fight LP?  If not, stop now and proceed directly to form 63(a).

If so, did you buy it on eBay?

Tom Warrior is my (a) hero, (b) favorite metal musician, (c) dad, in this recurring dream I’ve had since age 14.

In 1984, the “hottest chick in metal” was (a) Doro, (b) Lee Aaron, (c) Betsy Bitch, (d) Bruce Dickinson

Essay Question # 7: Metal was better in 1984 because ___________.  If you disagree with the premise of this question, stop now and proceed directly to form 63(a).

Essay Question # 8: Have you worn out the grooves on your copy of Lightning To The Nations?  If so, how long ago?  Please describe the circumstances and your subsequent mental state. If not, stop now and proceed directly to form 63(a).

Essay Question # 9: Blackie Lawless vs. Lizzy Borden vs. Dee Snider.  Go.

Are you old enough to know someone who bought Meatloaf’s Bat Out Of Hell LP when it came out, based solely on the cover?

If so, how disappointed was that person upon hearing it, on a scale of 1 to 10?

Was that person you? 

Which album from 1984 are you listening to right now?

Are you sure?

Regardless of your answer to the previous question, stop now and proceed directly to form 63(a). 

This bullshit originally appeared in the May 2013 issue of Decibel magazine.