May 15, 2013
Internal
Revenue Service
300
N. Los Angeles St
Los
Angeles, CA 90012
Mr. Bennett,
We are writing to address some problems with your 2012
Federal Tax Return.
You have listed your occupation as “heavy metal.” This is
not a profession that we are aware of. For the last 15 years, you have listed
your occupation as “journalist.” We realize that people can and do change
professions from time to time, but again—“heavy metal” is not one that the IRS recognizes.
As a side note, it is unclear to us how one transitions from “journalism” to
“heavy metal,” but perhaps this is none of our business. In fact, please forget
we brought it up. We fear that even mentioning this will prompt you to write
another long and convoluted series of letters to this office. That is the last
thing we want.
Once again, you have listed “Albert Mudrian” as a dependent
on your tax return. As we have been pointing out since 2005, Mr. Mudrian is not
a member of your household. Nor is he, as far as we can tell, a relative. In
fact, it appears that Mr. Mudrian works for a company—Red Flag Media—that
employs you on a 1099 basis. We understand that you may feel that Mr. Mudrian
relies upon you in a professional capacity, but that does not qualify him as a
dependent on your Federal Tax Return. We realize, of course, that your home
state of California may have different rules about this. But we represent the
Federal Government, Mr. Bennett. We have been over this before.
We have also noticed some items listed under miscellaneous
expenses that will require further documentation. They are as follows:
- “The
bar” / $1,037.00
- “The
titty bar” / “$744 + tips so maybe more like 1.5K”
- “Phone
calls to Fenriz” / “$51.32 - make Albert pay.”
- “iTunes
ripped me off” “$9.89 / [expletive deleted]”
- “The
Internet” / $609.00
- “Amoeba”
/ $3,076.45
- “F—king
Slayer” / $66.66
- “Burgers
or whatever” / $312.55
- “AT&T
are a bunch of c—ts, I hate them” / $876.13
- “Still
owe Scott Carlson 20 bucks for that Witchgrave LP” // $20.00
- “Russell
Brand rear-ended me + emotional distress / $50,000
- “Ammo”
// $155.00
As per the many volumes of previous correspondence you have
sent us, we realize that you do not recognize the Internal Revenue Services as
a legitimate government entity. However, your beliefs have no bearing on your
responsibility, as a U.S. citizen, to pay your Federal income taxes and provide
us with a detailed description of the expenses you wish to declare. You have 30
days from the date of this letter to provide us with the necessary and correct
information before penalties will be incurred. Please do not send us any
additional correspondence regarding this matter. Also, we will remind you that
mailing pornography to government offices is a federal crime. You may not have
included a return address, but we are positive that you sent us those back
issues of Honcho. We recognized your
handwriting on the expletive-laced note.
We implore you, Mr. Bennett: Please do not make this process
any more difficult than it has to be. Frankly, we find corresponding with you
to be exhausting.
Thank you,
Frank Parnell
Internal Revenue Service
Los Angeles Office
