A Selection Of Classifieds From Around The Metal Universe
Remember that one
time at the AC/DC concert? Boston
Garden, ’83. Flick Of The Switch tour
You: Gorgeous mullet, cigs rolled up in sleeve of your Flick Of The Switch tour shirt. Me: Petit blonde w/ teased bangs, TIGHT
stonewashed jeans w/ holes in both knees, Flick
Of The Switch tour shirt w/ sleeves already cut off cuz I hid scissors in
my purse! It’s been 30 years, but I think about you every day. If you still live in the New England area,
let’s get together & talk about old times. And maybe do some other stuff. I’m
a masseuse now, if you know what I mean. Call Trish at 617.555.HOTT
Dude, how much for
that Tools Of The Trade longsleeve? You
were rocking that thing hard outside the Carcass show at Reggie’s last month.
It had like five or six holes in it, including that big one just under the
collar, but I’ve never even SEEN that shirt in a longsleeve before. Not sure if
it’s a bootleg or what, but get at me if you’re interested in selling,
dude. I’ll pay top dollar. Email Ryan at
iheartjeffwalker@yahoo.com. (I
also play guitar.)
Record store romance?
Saw you at Vacation Vinyl in L.A.
last week arguing with the clerk while I was perusing the “Unholy Metal”
section. Thought it was cute the way you told the resident longhair (in the
pink Oxford!) that picture discs are the truest Cannibal Corpse listening
experience. I was too shy to talk to you, but would love to meet up next time. I
usually stop by on Tuesdays to check out the new releases. Recognize me by my
red Docs and Tomb Of The Mutilated
back patch!
You call your metal
black. Saw your band at Rendezvous last Thursday. You’re a killer drummer,
but the rest of those dummies are a bunch of corny little girls trying to get
up on some man action. And their corpsepaint style is whack. If you wanna ditch
those homos and join a REAL black metal band, hit me up: Randy from Goat
Puncher. We’re strictly TRVE KVLT. Also, if you and/or your mom have a garage or
basement we could practice in, that would be tits.
Desperately seeking John
Christ’s 1983 B.C. Rich Bitch or one just like it. Will trade a pair of ’88
Air Jordans (used) or a pit bull. Cleveland area only. Call Chris: 216.555.5555
Attention MAIDEN FANS:
Wiltshire-area man fancies special lady for fun and possible relationship. Must
be slim, attractive, age 25-40. Thrilled
to discuss your love of first two Maiden albums & Maiden Japan. Get in touch with Paul for drinks &
extracurricular. Fans of Blaze or Other Guy -eras need not apply. EFF BRUCE
BRUCE.
Desperately Seeking
Studly: We totally hooked up in the parking lot after the UDO show in Miami
Beach last month. Never got your digits and kicking myself for it now! Me:
Handlebar mustache, 28-inch biceps, slightly tipsy, singing “Princess Of The
Night” to no one in particular. You:
Handlebar mustache, Scorpions tee, huge armadillo in your trousers if you catch
my meaning. I’m always at the Cockpit on Friday nights—swing by and I’ll buy
you a drink!
WANTED: Live goat
for use in ritual to persuade almighty lord Lucifer to help get my ride back
from those smug butt-holes at Henderson Auto, who repo’d my baby after I was
like three days late on like four payments, maybe five. And also to strike them
down or smite them or whatever is most convenient for his Satanic Majesty, whom
I realize has a busy schedule. Will not harm goat.
This bullshit originally appeared in the January 2014 issue of Decibel Magazine.
