Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Metal Militia: We're Taking Over This Town

A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

- Second Amendment to the US Constitution

We the People, having determined that the self-appointed leaders of this great nation have gone straight asshole on us, hereby invoke our right to establish (and well-regulate) an armed Militia to ensure our Security and Freedom, and to protect ourselves from a tyrannical government. Furthermore, we the People, having ingested a metric assload of military-grade amphetamines, and having listened to Metallica’s Kill ’Em All on repeat for 44 consecutive hours, do hereby proclaim:

1) After removing the current Administration from office and, uh, neutralizing the presumptive presidential nominees, the new Militia-appointed executive branch and Cabinet will be as follows: Secretary Of State Tomas Lindberg, Secretary of Defense (and Remixes) J.K. Broadrick, Vice President Fenriz and President Jesse “The Body” Ventura. This is effective immediately, or at least as soon as At The Gates finish up their US tour.

2) Just for shits and giggles, Tipper Gore will be forced to slow dance with Chris Barnes to “Stripped, Raped and Strangled” at Jesse The Body’s inaugural ball.

3) All US troops will be withdrawn from Iraq immediately. As in: Right Fucking Now. In their place, the Militia will send former President George Dubya Bush, former Vice President Dick “Thunderlips” Cheney, former Secretary of State Condi Rice, former White House Chief Of Staff Karl Rove, and former Secretary of Defense Don “The Winnetka Hammer” Rumsfeld, each armed with a white handkerchief and a boombox blasting Slayer’s God Hates Us All. They will be naked except for black KKK-style hoods, with live car batteries clamped permanently to their nipples. Additionally, General David “Peaches” Petraeus will be replaced by the dude from Mortician.

4) Upon returning home from Iraq, all US servicemen and -women get (A) To shoot the Congress member of their choice or (B) Five years paid leave with benefits.

5) Fuck Francis Scott Key. “The Star Spangled Banner” is antiquated, boring, and only serves to glorify the former Administration’s permanent war economy. Plus, we always leave off the last two verses. The new national anthem will be either “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister or something off of Diamond Head’s Lightning To The Nations.

6) No more gun-control laws. Well, almost none: Government officials will be forbidden to own firearms. Any official found in possession of one will be waterboarded on the White House lawn and then pilloried in front of the Washington Monument. For everyone else, gun ownership will be mandatory. Report to your local post office to pick up your Carcano M91/38 bolt-action rifle. This is the same model the CIA used to kill Kennedy, so you know they’re good.

7) The function of the Internal Revenue Service will be reversed, thus rendering it an actual Service. Instead of collecting taxes and auditing citizens, the IRS will now audit the ways in which the Administration is spending (and has spent) our tax dollars, providing an itemized receipt to each and every citizen. The new Co-Commissioners of Internal Revenue will be Wesley Snipes and Trey Azagthoth. This will also make for an awesome reality TV show.

8) Halliburton and ExxonMobil will be required to pay health care costs for all US citizens for the next 100 years or until the sun cooks the human race like eggs on an Arizona sidewalk in August. Additionally, the new Surgeon General will be Jeff Walker from Carcass. He will henceforth be referred to as the “Secretary Of Salubriousness.”

9) As many an astute scholar has pointed out, the American flag is really just a visual representation of the bars that keep us imprisoned (stained red with our own blood) and the cell window through which we gaze hopefully at a bright blue sky (filled with stars and the promise of freedom) in the upper left-hand corner. Which is exactly why we’re gonna replace that fucker with the Danzig skull.

10) The White House will be painted black. Make that Extra Black©. This one should be self-explanatory.

This bullshit originally appeared in Decibel magazine, but we forget which issue. Suffice it to say, George W. Bush was still in office at the time.

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