Try as you might, you cannot cheat destiny—which is why we here at Cry Now, Cry Later have consulted the stars in order to bring you the following astrological tidings. Consider this shit chiseled in stone.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Your ride to the Maryland Deathfest fell through at the last minute when Bolt Thrower’s merch dude emailed you back and said they already had a merch dude. Luckily, the truck drivers down at Stuckey’s are always willing to give a lift to anyone who doesn’t mind smoking pole. This month’s soundtrack: Gorgoroth’s Twilight Of The Idols.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
With Mercury in retrograde, you’ll have to be especially vigilant this month when it comes to posers. Ask yourself: Does dudebro have a Blue Grape receipt to go with those Obituary sweatpants? This month’s soundtrack: The Metal Massacre II compilation (on vinyl), Darkthrone’s Transilvanian Hunger (first edition only).
GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)
The Anvil documentary is finally showing at your local theater, which means Lips and Robb are gonna need a place to crash. Do your hesh brethren a solid and cook up a nice big pot of spaghetti while you’re at it. This month’s soundtrack: Anvil’s Metal On Metal.
CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
You know that hot chick from the coffee shop—the one you’ve had your eye on for a couple of weeks now? She’s got a huge cock. This month’s soundtrack: Copremesis’ Muay Thai Ladyboys.
LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Love might not be forever, but luckily, neither are restraining orders. This month’s soundtrack: Pig Destroyer’s Prowler In The Yard, Agoraphobic Nosebleed’s Agorapocalypse, XXX Maniak’s Harvesting The Cunt Nectar, Brainbombs’ Obey.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
You are charming, handsome and always right. It must be exhausting to rule this hard all the time, but you’re witty and popular enough to handle it. This month’s soundtrack: Holy Diver on repeat.
LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 23)
Try to wear something a little less faggy to the Deicide show next week, and maybe you won’t get your ass beaten like last time. Just sayin’. This month’s soundtrack: Bob Larson vs. Glen Benton, The Complete Phone Calls.
SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
Hydra Head sold out of the fucking Melvins box set in like six seconds. Luckily, it’s already available on eBay for five times the price. This month’s soundtrack: Poison Idea’s RecordCollectors Are Pretentious Assholes.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Someone keeps changing the lock on your front door and tossing all your shit out on the front lawn. Maybe it’s time to take a hint and move out of your parents’ basement once and for all. This month’s soundtrack: Anything by Manowar.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Satan, as personified by the neighbors’ Labradoodle, has more instructions for you than usual this month. Be sure to stock up on shotgun shells, Milkbones, and meth. This month’s soundtrack: Judas Priest’s Stained Class, Black Flag’s My War.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Your record release party wasn’t nearly as well-attended as you’d hoped. Next time, hire some strippers and give the door dude a stack of drink tickets to lure in random passers-by. This month’s soundtrack: All Danzig, all the time.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Death to all but metal. Death to all butt metal. Death to all but metal. Death to all butt metal. This month’s soundtrack: Anything by Steel Panther.
This bullshit originally appeared in the July 2009 issue of Decibel magazine.