NOTHING BUT THE FACTS

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FROM THE AMBASSADOR

Time is for the bourgeois, baby. We’ve got the moment.

—Ed Sanders, The Family, 1971

Sir,

The news here in the capital has been disturbing of late. I refer of course to the enclosed newspaper clipping entitled, “Police Arrest Woman With Cocaine Breast Implants.” Let me be the first and hopefully last to assure you that, contrary to various reports laid thick with malice and innuendo, this woman and her narcotically-enhanced bosom were not en route to this embassy.  Believe me when I say that I understand the implications and extreme sensitivity of the situation, given what happened here three years ago with a certain junior ex-consul who shall not be named. We are doing our best to keep a tight leash on the press regarding the specific details. It is unclear what this woman may or may not be telling local law enforcement, but you should know that I have deployed field agents to make sure whatever she says will be (a) as little as possible and (b) easily discredited.

As for the second clipping, “Man Jailed For Causing Terror With Dildo.”  The man in question is, sadly—but to absolutely no one’s surprise—a US citizen. His court-appointed attorney has already made contact with the consulate. We are doing what can be done. Which, as you can imagine in a case like this, is very little indeed.  Perhaps a few days or weeks in a cell staffed by the jackbooted thugs currently in the employ of the police apparatus here will prompt our friend to reconsider the perils of dildo terror.

Which brings me to our next item, sir: Apparently the heavy metal band GWAR is planning a concert here next month. As you may or may not know, this musical troupe originates from Richmond, VA, and costumes themselves as degenerate sex monsters from outer space. Their leader, one Mr. David Brockie, a.k.a. “Oderus Urungus” has been known to wield a two-foot phallus that fires neon-green semen into the audience. I don’t need to tell you how this might be received in the capital, sir. The band is also notorious for staging mock executions of celebrities and elected officials. And though I realize we use the term “elected officials” tenuously in reference to our local policy makers, this fact in no way mitigates how a mock execution might be interpreted by the “elected officials” in question. Any input or suggestions you might have vis-à-vis this scenario would be most welcome, lest we avoid a most unpleasant international incident.

Of course I would be amiss if I did not give an update on the most pressing issue here in the capital as far as this consulate is concerned. I refer to the attached clipping, “Nazi-Acquired Buddha Statue Came From Space.” As the article notes, the statue in question is known as “Iron Man” to researchers and was carved from “a rare class of space rocks known as ataxite meteorites.” The Iron Man is 9.5 inches tall, weighs roughly 23 pounds and is nearly a thousand years old. It is the “only known illustration of a human figure to be carved into a meteorite.” In other words, sir, it is priceless. Our field agents are currently assembling a plan to make sure it does not fall into the hands of our enemies, if you get my meaning.  

Last but not least, I will refer you to the fourth and final clipping, entitled “Stripper Turned Minister Claims Rapist Demons Make You Gay.” I’ve included this one purely for your amusement, sir. She’s obviously adopted a stage name for professional purposes, but the woman in question was a former candidate for the US Senate. Unfortunately, there’s no photograph included in the article, but I trust you can guess who I am referring to.

Good day, sir.

T. Cullen Blackstone

Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary of the United States to [Redacted] 

This bullshit originally appeared in the February 2014 issue of Decibel magazine. 

This Time, It's Personal

A Selection Of Classifieds From Around The Metal Universe

Remember that one time at the AC/DC concert?  Boston Garden, ’83. Flick Of The Switch tour You: Gorgeous mullet, cigs rolled up in sleeve of your Flick Of The Switch tour shirt. Me: Petit blonde w/ teased bangs, TIGHT stonewashed jeans w/ holes in both knees, Flick Of The Switch tour shirt w/ sleeves already cut off cuz I hid scissors in my purse! It’s been 30 years, but I think about you every day.  If you still live in the New England area, let’s get together & talk about old times. And maybe do some other stuff. I’m a masseuse now, if you know what I mean. Call Trish at 617.555.HOTT

Dude, how much for that Tools Of The Trade longsleeve? You were rocking that thing hard outside the Carcass show at Reggie’s last month. It had like five or six holes in it, including that big one just under the collar, but I’ve never even SEEN that shirt in a longsleeve before. Not sure if it’s a bootleg or what, but get at me if you’re interested in selling, dude.  I’ll pay top dollar. Email Ryan at iheartjeffwalker@yahoo.com. (I also play guitar.) 

Record store romance?  Saw you at Vacation Vinyl in L.A. last week arguing with the clerk while I was perusing the “Unholy Metal” section. Thought it was cute the way you told the resident longhair (in the pink Oxford!) that picture discs are the truest Cannibal Corpse listening experience. I was too shy to talk to you, but would love to meet up next time. I usually stop by on Tuesdays to check out the new releases. Recognize me by my red Docs and Tomb Of The Mutilated back patch! 

You call your metal black. Saw your band at Rendezvous last Thursday. You’re a killer drummer, but the rest of those dummies are a bunch of corny little girls trying to get up on some man action. And their corpsepaint style is whack. If you wanna ditch those homos and join a REAL black metal band, hit me up: Randy from Goat Puncher. We’re strictly TRVE KVLT. Also, if you and/or your mom have a garage or basement we could practice in, that would be tits. 

Desperately seeking John Christ’s 1983 B.C. Rich Bitch or one just like it. Will trade a pair of ’88 Air Jordans (used) or a pit bull. Cleveland area only. Call Chris: 216.555.5555

Attention MAIDEN FANS: Wiltshire-area man fancies special lady for fun and possible relationship. Must be slim, attractive, age 25-40.  Thrilled to discuss your love of first two Maiden albums & Maiden Japan. Get in touch with Paul for drinks & extracurricular. Fans of Blaze or Other Guy -eras need not apply. EFF BRUCE BRUCE. 

Desperately Seeking Studly: We totally hooked up in the parking lot after the UDO show in Miami Beach last month. Never got your digits and kicking myself for it now! Me: Handlebar mustache, 28-inch biceps, slightly tipsy, singing “Princess Of The Night” to no one in particular.  You: Handlebar mustache, Scorpions tee, huge armadillo in your trousers if you catch my meaning. I’m always at the Cockpit on Friday nights—swing by and I’ll buy you a drink!

WANTED: Live goat for use in ritual to persuade almighty lord Lucifer to help get my ride back from those smug butt-holes at Henderson Auto, who repo’d my baby after I was like three days late on like four payments, maybe five. And also to strike them down or smite them or whatever is most convenient for his Satanic Majesty, whom I realize has a busy schedule. Will not harm goat. 

This bullshit originally appeared in the January 2014 issue of Decibel Magazine.