Thursday, April 16, 2009

Garage Days Re-Re-Revisited

Unused Audio Commentary By Dave Mustaine and James Hetfield, Recorded Summer 2004, For The Some Kind Of Monster DVD

Hetfield: [Cracks open bottle of Gold Symphony vodka, produces two shot glasses, fills both] Here’s to old times, huh, Dave?

Mustaine: Chin-chin, Jimmy. [Both men down their shots] Excellent choice, by the way. Gold Symphony was always my favorite Russian—you know, back in my drinkin’ days.

Hetfield: Yeah, mine, too. I can’t keep any of this stuff in the house anymore, though. Francesca would shit a brick.

Mustaine: I hear you. It’s the same way at my place. Do you ever eat the gold leaf?

Hetfield: Hell yeah. I bet I’ve got a 23-carat liver by now.

[Both laugh]

Mustaine: Fuck, I think I’m gonna need another shot before we start here. That scene with Lars and me is tough to sit through.

Hetfield: Really? I’ve never actually seen the movie before. Cliff Burnstein says it’s a winner, though. [Pours two more shots] Bottoms up, Dave.

Mustaine: Cheers, Jimmy. [Both down their shots] Oh, hey—I meant to ask you about that hot-rod I saw out in the parking lot…the one with the “Jaymz” vanity plate. Is that thing street legal?

Hetfield: [Laughs] Well, technically, no. But all the Marin County highway cops know me. As long as I don’t take it up over 80, it’s cool. Every once in a while, I’ll get pulled over by a new guy who doesn’t know the drill, but once he recognizes me, I’ll usually just sign an autograph for him and be on my way.

Mustaine: Nice, nice … Look, Jimmy, I gotta be honest. The real reason I came down here today is because I wanna convince you guys not to use that footage of me all crying and shit. I asked Lars, but he’s being a real prick about it. Can you do me a solid here, or what?

Hetfield: Yeah, Lars is pissed at you, man. He said that you called him your “little Danish friend” on camera… [Laughs] Did you really say that? [Pours two more shots]

Mustaine: Oh, man… I think I did.

Hetfield: Bad move, Dave. You know that fucker has the world’s biggest Napoleon complex.

Mustaine: [Laughs] I’ll drink to that. [Both down their shots] Fuck, man—I can’t even remember the last time I did three shots of vodka.

Hetfield: That’s probably because it was more like 20, with a heroin chaser. [Pours two more shots]

Mustaine: [Laughs] You’re telling me. [Both down their shots] Well, I guess we should probably fire this thing up here. I’ve got band practice tonight. You got the remote?

Hetfield: No, I thought you had it.

Mustaine: Nope. I’m feeling a little tipsy, though, to tell you the truth. I feel like I need some sort of pick-me-up … do you, uh … have any coke by any chance?

Hetfield: I knew you were gonna say that! [Laughs] Lars owes me 500 bucks! [Laughs] But no, I don’t have any. Francesca deleted my dude’s number from my phone.

Mustaine: No worries—I’ll call my dude.

[An hour passes. The sound of empty vodka bottles rolling on the floor is punctuated by snorting, sniffling, and half-decipherable torrents of inane conversation. Finally, the whole thing devolves into an argument.]

Mustaine: Mechanix!

Hetfield: The Four Horsemen!

Mustaine: Mechanix!

Hetfield: The Four Horsemen!

Mustaine: Fuck you! I hate you guys! You ruined my life!

Hetfield: Look, Dave, we’ve been through this a million fucking times with you, man…and… uh… fuck…I lost my train of thought here … Wait, can I get your dude’s number?

Many thanks to Jeff Alexander and Tom Bissell for the inspiration. This bullshit originally appeared in the May 2008 issue of Decibel magazine.