Tuesday, March 3, 2015

This Time, It's Personal

A Selection Of Classifieds From Around The Metal Universe

Remember that one time at the AC/DC concert?  Boston Garden, ’83. Flick Of The Switch tour You: Gorgeous mullet, cigs rolled up in sleeve of your Flick Of The Switch tour shirt. Me: Petit blonde w/ teased bangs, TIGHT stonewashed jeans w/ holes in both knees, Flick Of The Switch tour shirt w/ sleeves already cut off cuz I hid scissors in my purse! It’s been 30 years, but I think about you every day.  If you still live in the New England area, let’s get together & talk about old times. And maybe do some other stuff. I’m a masseuse now, if you know what I mean. Call Trish at 617.555.HOTT

Dude, how much for that Tools Of The Trade longsleeve? You were rocking that thing hard outside the Carcass show at Reggie’s last month. It had like five or six holes in it, including that big one just under the collar, but I’ve never even SEEN that shirt in a longsleeve before. Not sure if it’s a bootleg or what, but get at me if you’re interested in selling, dude.  I’ll pay top dollar. Email Ryan at iheartjeffwalker@yahoo.com. (I also play guitar.) 

Record store romance?  Saw you at Vacation Vinyl in L.A. last week arguing with the clerk while I was perusing the “Unholy Metal” section. Thought it was cute the way you told the resident longhair (in the pink Oxford!) that picture discs are the truest Cannibal Corpse listening experience. I was too shy to talk to you, but would love to meet up next time. I usually stop by on Tuesdays to check out the new releases. Recognize me by my red Docs and Tomb Of The Mutilated back patch! 

You call your metal black. Saw your band at Rendezvous last Thursday. You’re a killer drummer, but the rest of those dummies are a bunch of corny little girls trying to get up on some man action. And their corpsepaint style is whack. If you wanna ditch those homos and join a REAL black metal band, hit me up: Randy from Goat Puncher. We’re strictly TRVE KVLT. Also, if you and/or your mom have a garage or basement we could practice in, that would be tits. 

Desperately seeking John Christ’s 1983 B.C. Rich Bitch or one just like it. Will trade a pair of ’88 Air Jordans (used) or a pit bull. Cleveland area only. Call Chris: 216.555.5555

Attention MAIDEN FANS: Wiltshire-area man fancies special lady for fun and possible relationship. Must be slim, attractive, age 25-40.  Thrilled to discuss your love of first two Maiden albums & Maiden Japan. Get in touch with Paul for drinks & extracurricular. Fans of Blaze or Other Guy -eras need not apply. EFF BRUCE BRUCE. 

Desperately Seeking Studly: We totally hooked up in the parking lot after the UDO show in Miami Beach last month. Never got your digits and kicking myself for it now! Me: Handlebar mustache, 28-inch biceps, slightly tipsy, singing “Princess Of The Night” to no one in particular.  You: Handlebar mustache, Scorpions tee, huge armadillo in your trousers if you catch my meaning. I’m always at the Cockpit on Friday nights—swing by and I’ll buy you a drink!

WANTED: Live goat for use in ritual to persuade almighty lord Lucifer to help get my ride back from those smug butt-holes at Henderson Auto, who repo’d my baby after I was like three days late on like four payments, maybe five. And also to strike them down or smite them or whatever is most convenient for his Satanic Majesty, whom I realize has a busy schedule. Will not harm goat. 

This bullshit originally appeared in the January 2014 issue of Decibel Magazine