FULL METAL QUIZ

It seems like everybody is running their mouths these days about how “metal” they are or how metal that band is or how un-metal that one dude over there with the white belt is—but it seems like the definition of whom or what is “metal” varies from person to person. Plus, there are tangential factors to consider, like how one can be “metal” but not “kvlt” or “grim” (but one can NEVER be “kvlt” or “grim” without being “metal”), etc. etc., blah blah, blah. Lucky for you, we here at Decibel have decided to settle this shit once and for all, or at least until next time. What follows is our officially sanctioned, scientifically tested, Tony Iommi-approved Full Metal Quiz. Before you begin, remember this: There are no “right” or “wrong” answers here—and more importantly, there are no “winners.” Just “losers.”

1. In order to prove you are totally metal, you will:

a) Carve the Slayer logo into your forearm with the razor blade from that homemade necklace you stole off of Dimebag Darrell’s corpse.

b) Totally punch that chick from Nightwish in the face.

c) Go on a school shooting spree and blame it on Megadeth.

d) Have a three-way with Karl Sanders and Gene Hoglan.

2. Currently, you are:

a) Living after midnight

b) Breaking the law

c) Waiting for another thing, which you’ve been assured is coming.

d) All of the above

3. This weekend, you plan to play:

a) Arpeggios, dude. Lots and lots of arpeggios.

b) Halo, online with Trey Azagthoth.

c) With yourself.

d) Russian roulette and Slaughter Of The Soul

4. Maiden rules because:

a) Duh.

b) They have three guitar players

c) They have t-shirts that match your Vans slip-ons with the all-over Killers print.

d) “You know when Bruce says, ‘Scream for me, Long Beach,’ on Live After Death? I swear to god, he was pointing right at me when he said that, dude.”

5. Your favorite “wolf band” is:

a) Wolf

b) Leatherwolf

c) Wolves In The Throne Room

d) Ulver

6.The band t-shirt you are currently wearing is:

a) Venom

b) Slayer (a Hot Topic exclusive)

c) “You’ve probably never heard of them, dude—they’re pretty underground.”

d) Extra black

7. Your favorite Cannibal Corpse album is:

a) Butchered At Birth

b) The one with “Entrails Ripped From a Virgin’s Cunt”

c) Fuck Cannibal Corpse

d) All of the above

8. When Metallica cut their hair, you:

a) Cried like a little bitch

b) Were ten years old

c) Cut your hair

d) “Grew my hair out even longer, dude. Fuck those guys.”

9. When you found out Rob Halford was gay, you:

a) Cried like a little bitch

b) Realized what he meant by Point Of Entry

c) Questioned your own sexuality

d) Were too busy being interviewed for Heavy Metal Parking Lot to give a flying fuck

10. The last time you got drunk and threw up…

a) Your mom got real pissed and grounded you for a week

b) Jägermeister poured out of your nose and eyes but your tight broseph Randy from Goat Puncher totally hooked you with a ride home.

c) You and your girl took turns holding each other’s hair back

d) The fucking pigs made you clean out the back of the squad car with your favorite Napalm Death longsleeve, but the joke’s on them, dude, ’cause you totally took a dump on the floor of that holding cell

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This bullshit originally appeared in the November 2007 issue of Decibel magazine.