Thursday, July 23, 2009

Not To Entertain, But To Annihilate

May 14, 2009: “Rock n’ roll collectibles” company Aggronautix announces plans to release a limited-edition GG Allin bobblehead doll. Two weeks later, one of the fuckers arrives at Decibel’s L.A. Bureau and starts talking to us. In English, no less. It doesn’t even have a pull string or anything like that. One night, we started talking back with the tape recorder running. A transcript follows:

… Yeah, we know, we know: Your body is the “rock n’ roll temple,” and your “flesh, blood and body fluids are a communion to the people, whether they like it or not.” We get it. Here’s the thing, though, guy: You’re a fucking bobble-head doll. Can you believe Merle signed off on this shit? Oh, wait—you died way before became The Official Resource Of The King Of Rock-N-Roll, so the full scope of his vicarious profiteering remains the exclusive burden of the living. Then again, you always said you were the one and only Christ Almighty, so maybe cranking out a couple thousand false idols at $14.95 apiece makes total sense. The lightweight polyresin seems kinda bush league for someone who liked to smash himself in the face with a microphone every night, though. And eat his own poo.

“People in this lifetime are just not ready for me.” That’s what you told Joe Coughlin over the penitentiary blower from Jackson State back in ’93, and we couldn’t agree more. The fact that those same people might be ready to embrace you as an unspeaking, nonviolent, distinctly non-shit-smelling plastic figurine speaks volumes about the coddled state of the western world, don’t you think? Specifically, the infantilization of two generations of morbidly obese, video-gaming, toy-collecting, soda-chugging dimwits who insist on wearing sweatpants and flip-flops at every opportunity while blowing their paychecks on every chintzy piece of Taiwanese fucky-foam that can be molded into something they might recognize from the YouTube.

Apparently, Tesco Vee from the Meatmen is getting the same spring-loaded treatment, and he fucking loves it. Even called you his “poopy soulmate” whilst anointing the so-called “Throbbleheads”—his and yours—with a ringing Dutch Hercules endorsement. Talk about “Tooling For Anus.” But then again, there’s a link on his official website labeled “Got Old Toys?” so it’s not like we can feign surprise. And yet New Hampshire’s Greatest Soldier remains permanently unavailable for comment on the matter.

So where does that leave us, my naked, shit-covered, heroin-overdosed friend? No doubt you’re enjoying the unlimited golden showers and endless supply of hooker-piss mouthwash in some sort of skanky scum-punk Valhalla that may or may not resemble the Lower East Side, circa 1986-91. Probably laughing your scabby tits off at all this petty mercantile nonsense, too. Who’s sweating unauthorized likenesses while you and Hank Sr. are high-fiveing each other from either end of Wendy O. Williams, right? The joke’s on them—the squares, the cops, the easily misled—and it always will be. It’s not your fault that Middle America never understood that Geraldo Rivera is just PT Barnum with less charisma, fewer brains, and a fascist streak. You peed in the stream of commerce a long time ago, anyway. So fuck it, man. No use spinning in your grave all night when you might need to use it as a toilet later.

This bullshit originally appeared in the August 2009 issue of Decibel magazine.

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