Talking Points

Sometimes I wonder about you, man. I really do. Especially when you say things like, “If Euronymous were alive today, he’d be a fat, sad alcoholic roadie-ing for King Diamond,” or “Everybody knows that Immolation have gone downhill since their second demo,” or “If I ever see the drummer from Cunt Stabber again, I’ll kick his fucking ass.”

But will you? Kick his ass, I mean? Somehow, I doubt it. We both know you’ll just cower behind your boy Marty from Sphincter Drill and nervously sip your Bud Chelada or whatever. (How can you drink that rotgut, by the way? It smells like B.O.) Besides, the drummer from Cunt Stabber is pretty big and beefy and you’re kinda doughy and full of shit. Keep pouring that sewage down your gullet and making empty threats, though. I’m sure it’ll all work out.

Sometimes I just wanna pull you aside and tell you to shut your huge annoying face. But I don’t, because I’m your friend, and friends stick together through thick and thin. But sometimes being a good friend means saving one of your more loudmouth friends from himself—and from the unforgiving fists of others who, try as they might, cannot resist the overwhelming impulse to reshape that mouth into something considerably less loud.

The other night at the bar when you made that unfriendly comment about that one dude’s girlfriend, I thought he was gonna twist your head off and kick a fucking field goal with it. And to be honest, I wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised if he did. I know she was snobby and overbearing—and yeah, she did kind of look like James Gandolfini—but you don’t always have to say the first thing that pops into your head.

There are other things we should probably discuss. I think I mentioned this before, but you really gotta work out this whole thing with Lester and his sister. I realize that she spent a lot of time making those capes for us, but no one asked her to do it and not only does she expect us to wear them onstage, but now I hear that she expects to be paid as well. I know we agreed to not use the word “gay” in a negative way ever since Lester came out, but wearing capes onstage is just, well… yeah. I don’t really see us as a “wizard metal” band, anyway.

Also, I’m sick and tired of cleaning up after you guys at the practice space. You’re always leaving beer cans and fast food wrappers all over the place, and nobody except me ever lifts a fucking finger to pick any of it up. And don’t even get me started on Bobby’s face pubes, which are scattered all over the floor like greasy little curly reminders that I continue to play in a band with that asshole. He can’t grow a real beard, so why doesn’t he just shave that shit off?

If I seem like I’m throwing a fit here, it’s because we all know I carry this whole goddamn operation on my back like it was my own newborn son. But I’m not gonna baby-sit you guys anymore. Straighten up and fly right or you’ll be looking for a new lead keyboardist who also does awesome backup vocals. Good luck with that.

This bullshit originally appeared in the January 2010 issue of Decibel magazine.

Kulted

I awoke to a shotgun muzzle in my eye and a husky Non-Perceptic instructing me to get my faggot ass out of bed before he shot my gay face off. He had onion breath and wore a bulletproof vest bearing the letters "A," "T" and "F."

It appears that the shit had finally hit the fan. A dozen years of service and worship—not to mention the generous donation of life savings—and we come to find out that not only is the Honorable Countess Von Hellschmidt neither honorable nor a countess but also that her real name is Becky Griswold and she’s from Fall River, MA? I mean, can you imagine? And now the rest of us are out on the street, just like that. We didn’t know about the embezzlement, the tax evasion, the bestiality … okay, maybe we knew a little bit about the bestiality. I never actually witnessed it with my own eyes, but when the grapevine whispers, us Perceptics tend to listen. Mostly because the Honorable Countess never allowed books, newspapers or television up in this pig. Radios and the Internet were also strictly forbidden. She said that such devices only dimmed the Perceptic light inside of us.

We were on the verge of moving the whole operation to Montenegro, too—free from the Non-Perceptic clutches of the federal government and all of its oppressive departmental acronyms. Another six months and we’d have been occupying a higher plane of spiritual existence, nestled safely in the Slavic bosom of Croatia and Bosnia-Herzegovina. It’s really too bad, because we had a good thing going. We grew our own crops, installed solar panels, dug compost pits. With the exception of our water supply, we were almost entirely off the grid. Life was simple: Each of us was issued a couple of pale yellow dressing gowns, a pair of sandals, a prayer mat, and a gardening tool. I worked my way up from hedge clipper to leaf blower inside of 18 months. I was a favorite of the den mother’s, too. On Burning Ring Of Fire & Advanced Behavior Mod night (every other Thursday, 7pm in the rec hall), we’d sneak away and do the business in a pantry just off the main kitchen. The staff was heavily sedated, of course, and took no notice of us.

They locked us in our rooms every night promptly at 10. After living in the Travolta wing of the Hervé Villechaize Dormitory for 33 months or so, the den mother began visiting me after lights-out. Sometimes, we would escape to the verandah for a quick telekinesis session and a round of naked Slip N’ Slide. Once in a while, the Honorable Countess would join us, her pendulous breasts spilling over the front of her distended belly like a pair of wet hams. After a few all-too-brief hours of gently lubed debauchery, I would be in an elevated trance state, in love with the cosmos, my fellow Perceptics and my beatific life at the compound. Nevertheless, I would be remanded back to my room to practice my psychic stress positions.

Meanwhile, my Kirlian photography classes continued unabated, and by 1999 my clearance level was relatively high. That’s when it all came crashing down, just days before the Honorable Countess had promised us that the impending millennium would signal the Great Xagog’s return to the earthly realm, upon which he would wipe out many of the Honorable Countess’ most contemptible mortal enemies, and the streets of Utopia Acres would run red with the blood of infidels or whatever. Instead, the Feds broke the door down, seized the entire compound, and kicked us all to the curb. It was a black day in Broward County, alright: Turns out the Honorable Countess was a total fraud, a former madam and probably a horse-fucker. And to think of all the things I used to do to her with my mouth.

This bullshit originally appeared in the December 2009 issue of Decibel magazine.

Beyond Thunderstick

The best thing about being white on Atlanta public transportation is that no one wants to sit next to me.

—Jim Goad, August 20, 2009

Thunderstick and I had only been at the fairgrounds for an hour, but it was painfully clear that I’d made a terrible mistake. It was barely one o’clock in the afternoon and he was already shitfaced. He had exposed himself in plain view of the Tilt-A-Whirl, and I’d just spent the last 20 minutes convincing the local constabulary that Thunderstick was mentally ill, not drunk, and that I was his chaperone from the group home and he had just gotten away from me for an instant and no, sir, officer, it absolutely would not happen again.

“What’s with the mask?”

This from an oily teenage “security” enforcer who had suddenly materialized in the officer’s considerable shadow. The cop, with his orange-tinted Oakleys and walrus mustache, shot me a look indicating that he, too, would like to know the answer to this question.

“Oh, uh… well… it suppresses his fear of being in public,” I stumbled. “It’s a defense mechanism. He’s really quite shy. Acute agoraphobia, they tell me.”

The mask was a black leather job covered in glittering studs, with openings for the eyes and mouth. The mouth hole boasted a working zipper, through which Thunderstick had already rammed three corn dogs, four soft pretzels and a pair of Dee-Lux Polish sausages.

The cop cocked an eyebrow over the top of his Oakleys. He looked over at Thunderstick, who was—mercifully—subdued now, shoulders slumped like a scolded child.

“You sure you’ve got this under control?”

Thunderstick is 6-foot-8 and weighs about 260. “Absolutely. You can rely on me, sir.”

As soon as the fuzz and his teenage sidekick were out of sight, Thunderstick slapped me hard on the chest, grunted, and loped greedily in the direction of the concession stand. Within seconds, he was lost in the crowd again.

When I found him, he had a Foster’s oil can in each hand and was chanting “Rule, Britannia!” at the top of his lungs. He seemed to know only the chorus:

Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rule the waves!

Britons never, never, never shall be slaves!

And then this, to the tune of “The Battle Hymn Of The Republic”:

Glory, glory, Man United

Glory, glory, Man United

Glory, glory Man United

Your troops are marching on! On! On!

“This is America,” I reminded him. “These people don’t give a shit about soccer.” He unzipped the top of his black satin jumpsuit to reveal a t-shirt emblazoned with the pithy slogan, “I Fucking You.”

“I’m pretty sure we’ll get tossed out of here for that,” I said.

He peeled the shirt off and stuffed it down the front of his tights, leaving a misshapen bulge protruding obscenely from his crotchal region. He was shirtless now, the upper half of his satin bodysuit flapping behind him in the breeze. He was sunburned in that particularly brutal British way—angry, incandescent pink—his chest slick and sticky with misdirected lager. How had it come to this?

Simple, really: Thunderstick was hitchhiking on the westbound side of route 26 when in the spirit of Really, Really Good Samaritanism I offered him a ride to the carnival. I’d recognized him from the old album covers—Head On, NWOBHM ’79 Revisited—the custom bondage mask was a dead giveaway. But I was immediately sorry. After repeatedly cueing up and playing the first 30 seconds of Europe’s “Cherokee,” on my iPod, he finally froze the thing before breaking the volume knob off the stereo. He spent the rest of the trip grunting and fishing through my glove box for pills. In the parking lot he took a hot, sloppy dump in front of some old biddies and Rotarian types. Needless to say, they ran off shrieking.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Thunderstick spent the night in County after hurling himself down the Xtreme Rapidz waterslide completely naked. Except for the mask, of course. That stayed on. The police tell me he had a massive erection.

This bullshit originally appeared in the November 2009 issue of Decibel magazine.

Rainbows Over Tampa

In the Tampa of my dreams, Morbid Angel’s Altars Of Madness plays all day, every day at Alibi’s, and the lap dances are on the house. Instead of doing shitty coke off the back of the toilet with Thick Rick the men’s room attendant, I’m tag-teaming bitches in the VIP room with Erik Estrada.

In the Tampa of my dreams, I’m gunning down a butt in front of Morrisound when Glen Benton swings up on his Harley. He high-fives me and says, “Just canceled another European tour, brother. Can’t stand those fuckin’ pussies, am I right?” Then he asks me to record some guest vocals on the new Deicide album.

In the Tampa of my dreams, I’m cruising the Winn-Dixie parking lot in my cherry-ass arctic-white ’78 Firebird with the Van Halen logo airbrushed onto the hood. I’ve got the T-tops on because the air-conditioning actually works, which is more than I can say about the rusted-out Yugo Tempo in the Tampa of my reality.

In the Tampa of my dreams, Jeff Becerra walks again. In fact, dude walked here all the way from San Francisco just to kick some ass and take down the names. First fucker on his list? YOU.

In the Tampa of my dreams, I don’t have to sit around for two hours waiting for Julio to show up with my shit. I get higher than a hundred motherfuckers on the finest crystal this side of Ybor City but instead of jacking off to Internet porn for 10 hours straight, Gina Lynn comes over to my house and sucks my dick. For free.

In the Tampa of my dreams, George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher bodyslams Chris Barnes onto the broiling hot pavement before chucking his twisted carcass off an overpass and into six lanes of oncoming traffic. Barnes is so high he doesn’t feel a fucking thing. An 18-wheeler full of McDonald’s swerves to avoid him and slams into the barricade. Free Big Macs for everyone.

In the Tampa of my dreams, the Hoffman brothers hand-fire muscle juice straight into their ballbags, take turns bench-pressing each other’s trucks and then rip the Empire State Building apart by hand.

In the Tampa of my dreams, the Empire State Building is in Tampa.

In the Tampa of my dreams, Obituary play Cause Of Death in its entirety at a keg party in my backyard. The dudes from Massacre are there with the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, who are all hanging out topless, and there’s an unlimited supply of High Life and Trevor Peres does a keg stand and Becky Griswold definitely isn’t invited because she ruined my life.

In the Tampa of my dreams, Julio forgets that I owe him that 80 bucks and then accidentally leaves an 8-ball at my house and then forgets that he did that, too.

In the Tampa of my dreams, I bring Chuck Schuldiner back to life and he dedicates the new Death album to me and takes me on world tour and then decides that he wants to focus on guitar stuff and asks me to take over as lead vocalist but I respectfully decline and say, “No, dude—Death wouldn’t be Death if you didn’t do the vocals. It would be something considerably less than Death, and that would be lame.”

In the Tampa of my dreams, I am a benevolent man.

This bullshit originally appeared in the October 2009 issue of Decibel magazine.

Not To Entertain, But To Annihilate

May 14, 2009: “Rock n’ roll collectibles” company Aggronautix announces plans to release a limited-edition GG Allin bobblehead doll. Two weeks later, one of the fuckers arrives at Decibel’s L.A. Bureau and starts talking to us. In English, no less. It doesn’t even have a pull string or anything like that. One night, we started talking back with the tape recorder running. A transcript follows:

… Yeah, we know, we know: Your body is the “rock n’ roll temple,” and your “flesh, blood and body fluids are a communion to the people, whether they like it or not.” We get it. Here’s the thing, though, guy: You’re a fucking bobble-head doll. Can you believe Merle signed off on this shit? Oh, wait—you died way before GGAllin.com became The Official Resource Of The King Of Rock-N-Roll, so the full scope of his vicarious profiteering remains the exclusive burden of the living. Then again, you always said you were the one and only Christ Almighty, so maybe cranking out a couple thousand false idols at $14.95 apiece makes total sense. The lightweight polyresin seems kinda bush league for someone who liked to smash himself in the face with a microphone every night, though. And eat his own poo.

“People in this lifetime are just not ready for me.” That’s what you told Joe Coughlin over the penitentiary blower from Jackson State back in ’93, and we couldn’t agree more. The fact that those same people might be ready to embrace you as an unspeaking, nonviolent, distinctly non-shit-smelling plastic figurine speaks volumes about the coddled state of the western world, don’t you think? Specifically, the infantilization of two generations of morbidly obese, video-gaming, toy-collecting, soda-chugging dimwits who insist on wearing sweatpants and flip-flops at every opportunity while blowing their paychecks on every chintzy piece of Taiwanese fucky-foam that can be molded into something they might recognize from the YouTube.

Apparently, Tesco Vee from the Meatmen is getting the same spring-loaded treatment, and he fucking loves it. Even called you his “poopy soulmate” whilst anointing the so-called “Throbbleheads”—his and yours—with a ringing Dutch Hercules endorsement. Talk about “Tooling For Anus.” But then again, there’s a link on his official website labeled “Got Old Toys?” so it’s not like we can feign surprise. And yet New Hampshire’s Greatest Soldier remains permanently unavailable for comment on the matter.

So where does that leave us, my naked, shit-covered, heroin-overdosed friend? No doubt you’re enjoying the unlimited golden showers and endless supply of hooker-piss mouthwash in some sort of skanky scum-punk Valhalla that may or may not resemble the Lower East Side, circa 1986-91. Probably laughing your scabby tits off at all this petty mercantile nonsense, too. Who’s sweating unauthorized likenesses while you and Hank Sr. are high-fiveing each other from either end of Wendy O. Williams, right? The joke’s on them—the squares, the cops, the easily misled—and it always will be. It’s not your fault that Middle America never understood that Geraldo Rivera is just PT Barnum with less charisma, fewer brains, and a fascist streak. You peed in the stream of commerce a long time ago, anyway. So fuck it, man. No use spinning in your grave all night when you might need to use it as a toilet later.

This bullshit originally appeared in the August 2009 issue of Decibel magazine.

The Future's So Bright

Try as you might, you cannot cheat destiny—which is why we here at Cry Now, Cry Later have consulted the stars in order to bring you the following astrological tidings. Consider this shit chiseled in stone.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)

Your ride to the Maryland Deathfest fell through at the last minute when Bolt Thrower’s merch dude emailed you back and said they already had a merch dude. Luckily, the truck drivers down at Stuckey’s are always willing to give a lift to anyone who doesn’t mind smoking pole. This month’s soundtrack: Gorgoroth’s Twilight Of The Idols.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)

With Mercury in retrograde, you’ll have to be especially vigilant this month when it comes to posers. Ask yourself: Does dudebro have a Blue Grape receipt to go with those Obituary sweatpants? This month’s soundtrack: The Metal Massacre II compilation (on vinyl), Darkthrone’s Transilvanian Hunger (first edition only).

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)

The Anvil documentary is finally showing at your local theater, which means Lips and Robb are gonna need a place to crash. Do your hesh brethren a solid and cook up a nice big pot of spaghetti while you’re at it. This month’s soundtrack: Anvil’s Metal On Metal.

CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)

You know that hot chick from the coffee shop—the one you’ve had your eye on for a couple of weeks now? She’s got a huge cock. This month’s soundtrack: Copremesis’ Muay Thai Ladyboys.

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

Love might not be forever, but luckily, neither are restraining orders. This month’s soundtrack: Pig Destroyer’s Prowler In The Yard, Agoraphobic Nosebleed’s Agorapocalypse, XXX Maniak’s Harvesting The Cunt Nectar, Brainbombs’ Obey.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

You are charming, handsome and always right. It must be exhausting to rule this hard all the time, but you’re witty and popular enough to handle it. This month’s soundtrack: Holy Diver on repeat.

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 23)

Try to wear something a little less faggy to the Deicide show next week, and maybe you won’t get your ass beaten like last time. Just sayin’. This month’s soundtrack: Bob Larson vs. Glen Benton, The Complete Phone Calls.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)

Hydra Head sold out of the fucking Melvins box set in like six seconds. Luckily, it’s already available on eBay for five times the price. This month’s soundtrack: Poison Idea’s RecordCollectors Are Pretentious Assholes.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Someone keeps changing the lock on your front door and tossing all your shit out on the front lawn. Maybe it’s time to take a hint and move out of your parents’ basement once and for all. This month’s soundtrack: Anything by Manowar.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Satan, as personified by the neighbors’ Labradoodle, has more instructions for you than usual this month. Be sure to stock up on shotgun shells, Milkbones, and meth. This month’s soundtrack: Judas Priest’s Stained Class, Black Flag’s My War.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

Your record release party wasn’t nearly as well-attended as you’d hoped. Next time, hire some strippers and give the door dude a stack of drink tickets to lure in random passers-by. This month’s soundtrack: All Danzig, all the time.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

Death to all but metal. Death to all butt metal. Death to all but metal. Death to all butt metal. This month’s soundtrack: Anything by Steel Panther.

This bullshit originally appeared in the July 2009 issue of Decibel magazine.

Metal Militia: We're Taking Over This Town

A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

- Second Amendment to the US Constitution

We the People, having determined that the self-appointed leaders of this great nation have gone straight asshole on us, hereby invoke our right to establish (and well-regulate) an armed Militia to ensure our Security and Freedom, and to protect ourselves from a tyrannical government. Furthermore, we the People, having ingested a metric assload of military-grade amphetamines, and having listened to Metallica’s Kill ’Em All on repeat for 44 consecutive hours, do hereby proclaim:

1) After removing the current Administration from office and, uh, neutralizing the presumptive presidential nominees, the new Militia-appointed executive branch and Cabinet will be as follows: Secretary Of State Tomas Lindberg, Secretary of Defense (and Remixes) J.K. Broadrick, Vice President Fenriz and President Jesse “The Body” Ventura. This is effective immediately, or at least as soon as At The Gates finish up their US tour.

2) Just for shits and giggles, Tipper Gore will be forced to slow dance with Chris Barnes to “Stripped, Raped and Strangled” at Jesse The Body’s inaugural ball.

3) All US troops will be withdrawn from Iraq immediately. As in: Right Fucking Now. In their place, the Militia will send former President George Dubya Bush, former Vice President Dick “Thunderlips” Cheney, former Secretary of State Condi Rice, former White House Chief Of Staff Karl Rove, and former Secretary of Defense Don “The Winnetka Hammer” Rumsfeld, each armed with a white handkerchief and a boombox blasting Slayer’s God Hates Us All. They will be naked except for black KKK-style hoods, with live car batteries clamped permanently to their nipples. Additionally, General David “Peaches” Petraeus will be replaced by the dude from Mortician.

4) Upon returning home from Iraq, all US servicemen and -women get (A) To shoot the Congress member of their choice or (B) Five years paid leave with benefits.

5) Fuck Francis Scott Key. “The Star Spangled Banner” is antiquated, boring, and only serves to glorify the former Administration’s permanent war economy. Plus, we always leave off the last two verses. The new national anthem will be either “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister or something off of Diamond Head’s Lightning To The Nations.

6) No more gun-control laws. Well, almost none: Government officials will be forbidden to own firearms. Any official found in possession of one will be waterboarded on the White House lawn and then pilloried in front of the Washington Monument. For everyone else, gun ownership will be mandatory. Report to your local post office to pick up your Carcano M91/38 bolt-action rifle. This is the same model the CIA used to kill Kennedy, so you know they’re good.

7) The function of the Internal Revenue Service will be reversed, thus rendering it an actual Service. Instead of collecting taxes and auditing citizens, the IRS will now audit the ways in which the Administration is spending (and has spent) our tax dollars, providing an itemized receipt to each and every citizen. The new Co-Commissioners of Internal Revenue will be Wesley Snipes and Trey Azagthoth. This will also make for an awesome reality TV show.

8) Halliburton and ExxonMobil will be required to pay health care costs for all US citizens for the next 100 years or until the sun cooks the human race like eggs on an Arizona sidewalk in August. Additionally, the new Surgeon General will be Jeff Walker from Carcass. He will henceforth be referred to as the “Secretary Of Salubriousness.”

9) As many an astute scholar has pointed out, the American flag is really just a visual representation of the bars that keep us imprisoned (stained red with our own blood) and the cell window through which we gaze hopefully at a bright blue sky (filled with stars and the promise of freedom) in the upper left-hand corner. Which is exactly why we’re gonna replace that fucker with the Danzig skull.

10) The White House will be painted black. Make that Extra Black©. This one should be self-explanatory.

This bullshit originally appeared in Decibel magazine, but we forget which issue. Suffice it to say, George W. Bush was still in office at the time.